Recently I was preparing to go away on a wonderful trip to Italy: first a week by the sea on my own, and then a week in the Roman hills with friends to attend an art workshop. This was to be a dream holiday, but I was feeling overwhelmed with fear: fear of my own intentions, fear of acting out, and mostly fear of having to feel my emotions with no other people to buffer them or fill the void.
When I was around ten years old, I was introduced to pornography by my next-door neighbor. We were the same age, and he would bring magazines over to my house. I will never forget the first time I saw pornography; I was immediately hooked.
I was born in 1947, the middle of five children in a Catholic family. My oldest brother died of a mental illness when he was 30. I don’t remember much of my childhood, except that I seemed to be in a constant state of fear.
I’m Dave, a happy recovering sexaholic, sober since November 23, 1990. Today, because of SA, I have a better life than I could ever have imagined. But my life hasn’t always been so happy.
One day, while I was still active in my addiction, I threw away my pornography collection and swore off masturbation. My resolve didn’t last long however, and soon I was back to my old habits.
My name is Debbie. I’m a recovering sexaholic, sober since November 1, 2006. Because of the fellowship of SA, I’ve learned to live happy, joyous, and free today, as described in the AA Big Book (AA 133).
When I started my journey of recovery, I was not prepared to call myself a sexaholic. Even though my life was unmanageable, I knew I had a problem with sex, and I was attracted to men, I did not believe I was powerless over lust.
Today I know that I’m not in charge of my life. I know that there is a God, and that I owe my continued sobriety to my relationship with Him. But it has taken me a long time to learn those lessons, and I’m still learning them today.
One morning in the spring of 2000, my mother threatened to throw me out of the house when I arrived home at 5:00 a.m. I ran away that night so I could continue acting out. I was 21. I had been attending college full-time and had two part-time jobs, but I dropped out of school and didn’t show up at work so I could act out.
Today a fellow in our group received his eight-month chip. I recalled how desperately upset he’d been when he first came to SA—but today he demonstrated a great peace and calmness. I realized that this is also my story.
