For me, “lust” is the key. Lust for sex, for food, for “things,” for knowledge, for admiring glances, for honors—anything that would make me feel better about myself. While each of these “lust” objects often brought temporary pleasure, none of them would or could provide long-term satisfaction.
My Dear Friend Lust: I am writing to you to finalize our relationship.
As a biologist, I have studied several different types of fungi (e.g. yeast, ringworm, mushrooms, mold, athlete’s foot, etc.). Recently, I discovered an unfamiliar form of fungus: fantasy. Fantasy grows quietly in the mind. Like the other fungi, fantasy flourishes in dark, damp, undisturbed places.
As a child, I was lonely. I may have felt love-deprived or full of harbored resentment, but I needed some sort of outlet. Then I discovered a strange pet: Lust. This little creature seemed harmless as I studied it with my wide, innocent eyes. The most convenient thing about my pet was that I could keep it a secret from the rest of the world.
The other night I had a dream which stripped my lust of its pastel pink and purple euphemisms. I have avoided the word lust in my litany—preferring to tell myself that I crave “an affair of the heart”—further dressed up by such phrases as “out of my deep loneliness and chronic disconnection from others, I have sought soul mates, persons to join me in (at worst) the warmth of romantic fervor.”
Lust is the driving force behind my addiction, and if I allow myself to lust, then I will act out, sooner or later. When I consciously harbor lust, even in small amounts, it’s the same as an alcoholic taking a drink.
I am addicted to an attitude. This is very different than being hooked on something that is outside my body, like drugs or alcohol. I am powerless over an attitude that involves instincts other than my sexual instinct.
Some sexaholics say they had euphoric recall—making it sound pleasant. Today, I realize it is addictive craving and delusional thinking.
How lust has affected my life! I seem to have been in a lust trance most of my life. I was never aware of what was wrong and it kept me isolated from having a normal life and relationships.
You, My Lust . . . You have been my faithful companion. You gave me a feeling of security. When I panicked, you calmed me down. You gave me highs. With you, I really felt alive. You gave me strength.
