Twenty-five years ago, I was working as a procurement clerk and was made to give a tour to some clients to whom I had sent hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of proposals over the years. I had spoken with the salespeople by phone. I felt like I knew them.

During the tour I noticed that one of the salespersons kept lowering his focus from my eyes. I asked myself what he might be looking at, but decided after a few times that maybe he was simply one of those folks who is uncomfortable holding eye contact.

The factory sits at the base of a grass-carpeted hill. The Delta Breeze is part of life there, and I spent many an hour watching the wind make waves in the tall grass. However, I suffer from allergies. Well, an hour or two after sending the salespeople on their way, I noticed a little itch on my neck, caused by—excuse my language—a booger. I immediately realized what the salesperson had been staring at and was mortified! I could only imagine what was going through his mind while I was feeling such honor at being his host.

I wished one of my buddies had given me a heads-up, a simple, “Hey dude, you got something on your neck.” I would have been embarrassed for a moment, but that momentary embarrassment would have kept me from leaving a negative impression on the minds of the salespeople. I remember cleaning myself up and wishing things had been different.

Today I realize, as unsightly as my appearance was that day, I had bigger and less sightly pieces of dried emotional stuff on me such as fear of rejection and confusion about my sexuality which, if you had pointed them out to me that very same day, I would have denied. I would not have wanted a “heads up” from my buddies or anyone else.

Unfortunately, seeing these truths has not entirely set me free of them. I cannot clean myself up without help.

Today, in recovery, I see even more unsightly stuff on me, especially resentment. I work as a senior mentor in a prison program for treating substance abuse. After Covid restrictions were lifted, the staff did not consult with me about reimplementing our program. It really got my resentments going. In time, I saw that my thoughts were being driven by old, very old stuff from way back in my childhood. Seeing these truths did not set me free of them, as my thoughts kept flooding back and resting in those ancient pools of hurt.

Another piece of unsightly, dried old stuff is my tendency to quickly objectify any man I find physically attractive, a sure warning sign that my character defects are active. Between my flawed self-image and my old habit of seeking fulfillment from external sources, I imagine the man filling all my needs for intimacy and love, things that I want even more than my release from prison. But I know for sure that if I allow my thinking to stay here, my behavior will follow, and ultimately, I’ll end up with the same emptiness and dissatisfaction that I’ve always experienced when I confuse sex with love.

So what’s the solution to my defects and the acting out they lead to? About six years ago I was discussing with my sponsor if knowing my character defects is supposed to set me free of them. He pointed out that while identifying them is necessary, identification on its own won’t remove them. My readiness to be free (Step 6) is just a part of it.

Today, when I feel the itch of old hurts and insecurities, I let myself be cleaned up by my Higher Power (Step 7). My part is taking the actions suggested by my sponsor, such as surrender, prayer, reading program literature, and doing service. It works when I work it, and I look better than I ever could, boogers notwithstanding.