In the beginning of recovery, when I was struggling to find long-term sobriety, every relapse seemed like a death sentence. This was a delusion and a lie. Who was judging me? Not my Higher Power. I was the judge, and again I was making myself the god and center of my world. My Higher Power never stopped desiring a relationship with me. He was and is the real center of the world. He was not concerned about judging me. His intention was to call me away from bondage to lust because it blocked our relationship. For this reason, guilt did not serve me. Guilt distracted my attention from seeking help from my HP and from the help of others in the SA fellowship.

Again and again, the White Book speaks of relationship with our HP. It is “the real Connection” (SA 62, 205). Was it smart of me then to move away from my source of strength? “Our own surrender to God brought the Connection that finally worked and kept on working” (SA 79).

To make and keep that connection with my HP, I must make time every day to pray and meditate (Step 11). If the connection to my HP is broken, it is because I am moving away. Am I trying to be my own god again? My HP will never abandon me for I am the one who is powerless (Step One), and my HP is the One to whom I surrender (Step Three). This is the nature of our relationship.

My HP was and is always encouraging. As Bill W. writes, “God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be” (As Bill Sees It 11). Willingness is the key. This is why I had to keep coming back to the 12-Step program, fellowship with other people in SA working a program, and my HP—despite a relapse. It would have been too proud of me to turn my back on these and think I could find a better way, or that it didn’t matter. Bill W. advises a friend, “Though I know how hurt and sorry you must be after this slip, please do not worry about a temporary loss of your inner peace. As calmly as you can, just renew your effort on the (SA) program, especially those parts of it which have to do with meditation and self-analysis” (As Bill Sees It 68).

All of us have only a daily reprieve despite the length of our sobriety. Our literature and that of AA remind us that sobriety comes “One day at a time.” This means that I must be concerned about the quality of my sobriety, not the quantity. Why? Because I could relapse later today. Once I start to indulge lust, where do I stop? There is no way out but surrender. I believe I must surrender each and every tiny temptation. To tell myself that this little one is OK, is a lie. There is no good way but forward. Our White Book states, “Surrender is a constant thing. Practice. Day by day, hour by hour. Put into practice so often, it becomes habitual. That’s how we get the attitude change that lets the grace of God enter to expel the obsession!” (SA 70)

My sobriety and serenity are worth my best effort.