I love being in a program that cultivates both spirituality and self-development. I crave closeness to God and this program has helped me to find a spirituality that really satisfies, in addition to leading me back to the religion of my upbringing. I have found a God Who is loving and all-powerful, as described in Alcoholics Anonymous, and Who wants to have a relationship with me. God is there for me in every way especially when it comes to keeping me sane and sober, and has diminished substantially the most problematic behaviors that I struggle with. For example, low self-esteem and all its manifestations like codependency, perfectionism, approval seeking, people-pleasing, etc.

I have been codependent all my life. Instead of pursuing my dreams, I tried to be who others wanted me to be, neglecting myself. Now in recovery, I have started learning to be authentic and true to myself. Before recovery when I was in the throes of having very poor self-esteem I unknowingly began a very destructive process. In an attempt to become special and feel good about myself I decided that I needed to become perfect, holy and above this world. I stopped pursuing any and all physical pleasures and repressed all my emotions so that I could always do what is right and not be pulled in other directions by impulses and desires. In recovery when I realized how destructive this way of living was, I had to re-learn all about myself as I allowed myself to experience my physical desires and emotions. It was scary but I was determined and I had God by my side helping me along. I have discovered so many aspects of myself such as my values, strengths, weaknesses, and certain talents that I began to cultivate. It’s been a marvelous and exhilarating adventure that I am really enjoying.

As I have found a new freedom and am no longer captive to and obsessed with lust, I now have new opportunities to explore life. When I have free time instead of using it to act out, I use it to discover and do things that I enjoy. One of my favorites is camping. For me, it is such a wholesome way of relaxing. It fills me up spiritually as I connect with God through nature. I do great physical activities like kayaking and hiking, and emotionally it is such a nice change of scenery and so relaxing and calm out there.

Another beautiful reward of recovery is connection with others. I am discovering how much I appreciate having deep connections and relationships with others. There is so much joy in a true friendship. I have found many friends in this program. We are able to be authentic with each other and we have nothing to hide. In fact, it has made it more difficult for me to develop friends outside of the fellowship because I feel like I can’t reveal my whole self for fear of their reaction about my addiction and recovery. I love to have fellows stay at my house. My home is an open one and I appreciate having company and hosting. But if I hosted a non-addict then I wouldn’t have the ability to continue my recovery work at home doing things like being on the phone with members, journaling, meditating, reading our literature, etc. So for now at least I am happy to invite addicts which enhances my recovery as I then get to do some of these same recovery activities with someone else.

I want to end off by saying that having a deep, intimate and loving relationship and connection with God is the key to my sobriety and healing. I am so grateful that I have such a beautiful relationship. I cultivate it each day with gratitude towards Him, reliance on Him for all my needs, reaching out and connecting all the time, seeking out His will in each situation, and living a life that is dedicated to carrying out His will for me. I treasure and cherish my closeness with my God, hold on to it tightly and just want it to grow and grow. It is the most important and precious thing in my life.