Originally published in ESSAY, September 1996

(The following is adapted from a letter by Roy K. on the question of loners in SA starting their own groups.)

First, I’ve got to take responsibility for myself. Of the dozen or so loners in foreign countries I know of who have not been able to stay sober and where groups have not formed, there is one fact in common: They never found their Dr. Bob. That is, they never found one other sexaholic who wanted sobriety. They tried to do it on their own or have it done for them in a ready-made group. They did not come to the desperate willingness to reach out to another and try to help them. That’s where the grace of God comes in to expel the obsession.

I now say to anyone, newcomer, old timer, and slipper alike: If you want what this program has to offer, you’re going to have to give it away to someone else and keep giving it away. Find your Dr. Bob! This is what I had to do. If you’re willing and seeking another, you will find.

How to find such a one? First pray and ask God. There’s someone in your neighborhood who is probably dying of this thing. If you can’t pray, talk to someone about your problem and ask to find someone like you. Just keep in mind that you need someone to share with….

Go to priests, ministers, therapists. Tell them your story and hand them an SA brochure. Go to other Twelve Step meetings and dare tell the truth on yourself. You’ll be surprised that there are others just waiting for another member to spill the beans on their sexaholism, waiting for someone with whom they can identify. Sure, you will get laughter or rejection. So what? You’re doing this for yourself. For your own survival. Then, when you find that one, you tell them your own story and stick with them in helping them — because you need this for yourself! This is the answer not only for loners, but for every single sexaholic, regardless of whether he has a group or not! This is the Twelve Step program!

“Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.” (AA, p. 89 “Working with Others”)