I came into Sexaholics Anonymous at age 31. I am 55 today. I’ve seen a lot of women come and go. Based on behaviors I’ve experienced during those 25 years, I’d like to share some practical recovery tools how I treat the opposite sex at our mixed meetings:

• I don’t exchange numbers with members of the opposite sex—especially if married.
• I don’t touch another person without first asking permission.
• I don’t invite a male member to spend time outside of the meeting—especially if married.
• I don’t chat with members of the opposite sex on Zoom calls—especially if married.
• I don’t comment on another person’s face, clothing, body, or overall appearance—I know that people who have been abused are especially very sensitive to this.
• I don’t comment on another person’s demeanor—for example, telling someone they would be prettier if they smiled.
• I don’t attempt to become familiar with someone just because they trust the fellowship and the program. That doesn’t mean they trust me as an individual.
• I don’t assume I am like family or friends with someone I see at a meeting.
• I don’t follow males or approach them when they are at or have gotten into their car.
• I don’t make fun of or make stereotypical comments about the opposite sex.
• I don’t make comments to men about their gender or put someone down based on failures of males from my past or present.
• I respect others’ “slight”, “unfulfilled expectation”, or “rejection” and do not bring it up in comments, nor do I make general, indirect examples at meetings where the person is present.
• If I obtain a male member’s phone number because of meeting business, I don’t send them texts unless it is related to the actual meeting. For example, “Did the meeting get canceled?” or “Can you please pick up coffee cups for the meeting? My car has a flat and there are no cups for the meeting this morning.” Even texts like “you are not alone, I am always here” to married members from my home group could be crossing a line.

The opposite of all of these have happened to me in my years in SA. Some have happened in just the last couple of months. And many of these have happened to women who never came back to the fellowship. Sometimes we aren’t as healthy as we believe we are, just like sometimes we have made more growth than we are aware. For long-term recovery, I have had to be willing to admit both.