I learned about the sobriety definition (ludicrous!) and the Steps (no problem!) more than 20 years ago. In my head I completed them all in short order — until I became more desperate and got a sponsor. We agreed to work the Steps together.

My brother discovered me masturbating as a teen and the shame led me to more pornography, masturbation and then phone sex.

When questioned about the phone bill, I blamed someone else. Lessons learned: Lock the bathroom door and lie when caught.

I abused authority and trust to victimize family, friends, even the family pet. Shackled to lust, I took greater risks. I dared not share my feelings with anyone.

My girlfriend became my wife, and desire for other women should have vanished. But fantasy sex continued and I turned to strip clubs and prostitution. I missed my child’s birth. I lost thousands of dollars on a messy divorce, and lost my career.

I stopped acting out, but shame drove me toward suicide. I got into treatment, took anti-depressants and participated in therapy. I still hadn’t heard of SA.

I met a wonderful woman. I confided in her the nature of my problems. She accepted me, and I thought I was finally free. I thought I could live with self-discipline learned from my father. I clung to self-control with some initial success, but my attachment to shame was too strong for self-will. Now married a second time, I re-visited strip clubs and planned to pick up a prostitute. My wife confronted me and I partially confessed. We moved to another state to find better jobs. I carried my dishonor with me. At her wit’s end, she said we were through. The next morning I learned how much she cared for me — she wanted to see me get sober. “You have to do it for yourself,” she said.

I found a long-distance meeting and sponsor. He helped me work the Steps. I stopped acting out and got honest with myself and others. Another member and I initiated a meeting closer to where we lived.

I have cultivated a better way of living, one that balances selfcare with serving others. I find my Higher Power, and sometimes It finds me, in daily events, pauses at work, walks in the woods, songs of affirmation.

Writing the Twelve Steps draws me closer to the joys of the Twelve Promises. I am amazed at my development and I do know a new freedom: I’m no longer tempted to harm others. Shame and lust surface, but these would-be soul-wreckers are only temptations to surrender to the wind. My outlook on life has changed; others notice it, even on days when I feel like I’m going backwards.

I’m grateful for the SA pioneers, for my sponsor, and for my wonderful wife. She gifted me with that epiphany about twenty years ago — the enlightenment that I must do this for myself.