I’ve had a month of feeling low. I’ve got lots of excuses, such as changing jobs, loss of significant other relationship, family issues, and poor diet and exercise. It all adds up to excessive sleep and self-pity. Going back to my Fourth Step work, I can see my defects coming to life. No wonder sobriety has been a challenge. Anger, fear, ego, and self-centeredness all contribute to my current zombie-like existence. But then I received a gift: an e-mail invitation to support ESSAY with artwork and maybe some words.

My Higher Power is telling me to share words of gratitude. So what am I grateful for? In the midst of depression, gratitude is a powerful antidote. So let’s give it a go.

I’m grateful for my friends. I’m grateful for having a roof over my head and money in the bank. I’m grateful for my two sons, one of whom just got married. I’m grateful for his intelligent, beautiful, and loving bride. I’m grateful for…. Oh no! I’m starting to listen to the negative inside my head. Go away!

I’ll try again. I’m grateful for music, and how music draws me toward my Higher Power. I’m grateful for how music moves me to tears, as it did this morning. I’m grateful for this cup of coffee, even if it’s warmed up from this morning.

This is lame. I’m not feeling grateful. I’m feeling self-absorbed and depressed. “Go on,” I hear inside. Okay, I’m grateful for….. grateful for….. Love.

Yeah that’s original. What do you mean by that, smart guy? Well, if I allow myself to feel (which in my case can require an act of God), love is with me. My Higher Power’s love is with me. Why did I book a trip for Thanksgiving to see my closest cousin? My Higher Power told me to go be with love. Why did that relationship end? My Higher Power tells me to let it go with love. Why did I get an opportunity to journal my feelings for ESSAY? Published or not, the love I feel from the asking got me to start typing; and you know what? I am grateful.

I pray for the attitude of gratitude. I pray I can reach out to others and not obsess about myself. I pray I can keep a journal of gratitude by my bed and list 10 things I am grateful for each night. I pray for the courage and willingness to get to meetings and do the work (again). Yes, I pray for gratitude.

And you know what? I’m grateful that I’m feeling better right now.

Blessings to all,