My story is similar to many I’ve heard—riddled with pornography, masturbation, and a multitude of sexual encounters. For most of my life, I didn’t even think that the things I was doing were wrong. Only when I wanted to stop and could not did I start the downward spiral into despair that brought me through the doors of SA.

When I first came to SA in October 2008, I had been married for five months and had just gone through something like full disclosure with my wife (I don’t recommend this to anyone before getting into SA!). In a panic, and hoping to find a “solution” to my issues, I attended an AA meeting and an SA meeting. It took only one SA meeting for me to know that I was in the right place.

When I first got into SA, I was excited. I felt that there was a solution and that I was on a road to recovery. Before I knew it, I had 30 days of sobriety and could not understand why my wife was not overflowing with gratitude for my excellent “recovery.” It did not take a genius to figure out that the history of my acting out, which I had dumped on her, had taken a significant toll on her and on our relationship.

When I was almost six months sober, and despite my pleading, my wife moved out and filed for divorce. I was already grieving my mother’s death; she had passed away from lung cancer two months earlier. Losing my mom and being divorced from my wife were the two most painful events I had ever experienced. I was staying sober from alcohol as well as all forms of sex, so for the first time in my life, I had no drug to soothe the pain.

While struggling to cope with my divorce and my mom’s death, I called an SA member who had long-term sobriety and asked him what I should do. He said, “In all the painful things I’ve been through in this program, I’ve had a choice: I could choose to go through them sober or go through them not sober. I knew what not sober looked like, so I chose sobriety.” That was so helpful to me. I had a choice. I could go back to my old ways of womanizing, instant gratification, and selfishness—or I could make a change in my life. I chose sobriety.

The first two years of my recovery were hard beyond words. I had just lost the two women closest to me in my life. I have gotten a lot of worth and value from both relationships, and now I was living alone with no close friends. The first action I took was to seek friendship with SA men. I never had close male friends before. I would go to bars with guys or play sports with them, but there was no one I trusted, with whom I could be open and honest. Making my first recovery friend was the start of something different.

I started attending three meetings a week, working the Steps, and meeting with other men in the program. I slowly opened up about my fears, insecurities, and the poor decisions I had made. I looked for guys who had sobriety and recovery—in essence, who had what I wanted. And then I listened to them. I soaked up as much information as I could about recovery, sobriety, and working the Steps. I did my best to emulate others. It did not always look perfect, but I made a decision to stay sober and honest, and to work the program to the best of my ability.

During those two years, I felt more emotional pain than I had felt in all of my 28 years of life. I was sad, angry, resentful, and lonely. I kept myself busy in the fellowship and in my church, but the hole in my soul was still there. This hole, which I had always tried to fill with lust and sex, was really a God-sized hole that only God could fill.

During that time of committed singleness, I played with the edges on a few occasions through “innocent” encounters with women. Each time I stepped outside of my commitment to stay away from women, I sorely regretted it. I came crawling back to my sponsor and other friends in the program, sharing with them the boundary I’d crossed and eventually having to make some sort of amends for it. Slowly but surely, I caught on and learned that wrong actions or choices could be the cause of further pain. If I just stayed out of my own way, things might turn out okay!

With just over two years of sobriety and 18 months living on my own, my sponsor suggested that I start to date again. All of my emotional insecurities came back. I was fearful of being rejected and maybe even losing my sobriety. The difference this time was that I no longer had the option to resort to my addiction to cover my feelings.

In December 2010, I met a woman at my church and we started dating. I had always imagined that once I got to this place, the courting and dating relationship would be bliss. It was not. The problem was that I brought myself into the new relationship. I still had issues I needed to work through and part of me still looked for “her” to be the solution.

Initially, dating was different as we got to know each other emotionally and spiritually, but not physically. This was completely backwards from anything I had done before, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I had to be open and honest with her about my addiction and my past, and take the chance that she might reject me. In doing so, I opened myself to the grace of God. And not only did she not reject me, but she provided me with more love and acceptance than I had ever known. This was a difficult, emotionally trying time that in the end contributed to my growth.

Along with the emotional vulnerabilities of dating came the struggle to set physical boundaries. Two major factors were crucial to my staying sober during this time. The first was that she understood my need for physical boundaries in our dating relationship and was willing to commit to them. We discussed our views about God and where we wanted to place Him in our lives. We believed that to participate in sex before marriage would be to defy His plan.

The second crucial factor that I committed to was rigorous honesty with other SA members. Every time I faced a questionable situation or felt that I had crossed one of my boundaries, I discussed the issue with my sponsor and other SA members. Accountability was the key for me in staying sober. And as my girlfriend and I practiced sober dating, we grew close both emotionally and spiritually.

During this time of abstinence, I came to know my girlfriend better than any other woman I had known. We discussed how we felt about one another (both good and bad), and we did not have sex to confuse our feelings or hinder the process. Our relationship was built on spiritual principles instead of the worldly view that I had carried with me all my life.

After dating for a year and a half, we were married. Because of our sexual abstinence, we were able to experience the beauty of marriage the way we believe God intended it. Our wedding was beautiful, and our marriage continues to be a beautiful experience. The love and joy that we share in our marriage is something I could never have imagined before.

Now, after almost four years of sobriety, I am grateful that in SA, God has given me a guide for living my life in a completely different way. Our marriage is not perfect, but it is solid and built on a foundation of sobriety and honesty. I would not be where I am today without this program.

Today I can honestly say that I am grateful to be a sober sexaholic in recovery.