Six months ago, after having been sober for a little over two years, I acted out. I am writing this in the hope that it may help another sex drunk—so that you don’t have to go through what I did.

Immediately after I lost my sobriety, my thoughts turned to denial. I went back into my own world and decided it didn’t really matter that much because I had only acted out with myself and, after all, that was never really a problem for me…right? And I wouldn’t do it again, so why reset my date? Why tell my sponsor, my sponsees, and everyone in my group? I was justifying everything I did. My ego didn’t want to be embarrassed. My self-righteousness caused me pain around admitting my weakness.

But as I thought about this, I felt shame creeping up. And then fear. I was afraid that if I didn’t talk about what had happened, I would be lying to people who had always been open with me. Then I came to the conclusion that keeping this secret would keep me in myself, hiding in the dark again. The exact thing I was trying not to do anymore.

In SA, I had experienced the joy, peace, and serenity that comes from being willing to be open and honest—so I knew what I needed to do. I got on my knees and prayed, then I called my sponsor and reset my date. I felt embarrassed and let down. But at the same time, I was free from the secret, and once again open to the sunlight of the spirit.

Following is my analysis of how “self” caused me to lose my sobriety. Perhaps my experience will benefit others.

S = Surrender. There were so many things I hadn’t surrendered. Even though I had immersed myself in the program, stopped acting out, and surrendered my character defects daily, I was still holding on to the belief that I wasn’t exactly like everyone else in the group. I had allowed myself to take gulps of lust, justifying it because I wasn’t really “acting out.” What’s wrong with admiring a handsome man? I didn’t surrender my obsession with pornography and masturbation. I stayed sober from porn and masturbation, but I never surrendered my obsession with them, because I had never really admitted they were part of my addiction.

I decided that I could pick and choose which parts of the program I wanted to work. I would go to meetings, work the Steps with a sponsor, do service at meetings, sponsor others, and pray daily. I didn’t think I needed to make phone calls to other members. I didn’t even call my sponsor on a regular basis. I hadn’t completely surrendered. I wanted to control and enjoy lust.

E = Ego. Until I came to SA, I never realized how full of myself I was. I had a huge ego. It was a cover for insecurity, but I couldn’t see that at the time. And two years into sobriety, I was still feeding my ego. Not by acting out, using, or manipulating people, but by allowing pride to run amuck. When I would say my sobriety date at the start of the meeting, I would say it not to celebrate or inspire, but to say, “Look at me! I’m still sober!” I had jumped into the program with both feet and took off running, and I thought that I had this sobriety thing under control. I was getting positive feedback about my shares in meetings. When a new woman came into the group, I made sure she knew that I was the “senior” woman in the group. I was writing my story to be published in ESSAY. I was taking on new responsibilities in the group and at work, and all of this was feeding my ego. I never took the time to give credit to God. Today I realize that I am nothing without God.

L = Lust. When I lost my sobriety, I learned a lot about what lust really is, the many forms it has, and how it is the driving force behind my acting out. Even though my ego told me that I knew what lust was, I actually had no conception of how truly cunning, baffling, and powerful it is. I thought that as long as I wasn’t acting on my feelings and wasn’t giving in to lust, I was okay.

I was still looking in cars at stoplights to see if there was a handsome man. I would participate in the language of lust, flirting with my customers and making comments about the men who walked past the storefront. I would objectify men all the time, trying to prove myself worthy of desire. I would watch movies and TV shows with lustful content, allowing myself to drink in the images of the beautiful men and women on the screen. I never admitted I had a problem with porn or masturbation, so when I lost my sobriety by sex with self, I was forced to look more closely at these behaviors.

I had only stopped masturbating because “sex with self” is ruled out in our sobriety definition. I had minimized and completely ignored most of my lustful behaviors. Now I began to realize how my behaviors continued to fuel the lust in my life. I remembered that I started masturbating when I was 10 years old. I would fantasize that my “partner” was a famous rock star. And all throughout my adulthood I would masturbate. Right before I hit bottom I was watching porn, having cybersex, and masturbating every night while everyone in the house was asleep. And I was oblivious as to how lust was entering my life. I wanted to control and enjoy lust.

F = Fall from Grace. The real reason I acted out—and I believe the reason behind all the reasons—is that I fell from the grace of God. I had not completely turned over my will and my life to God. I only turned over the parts I wanted to turn over, or that I decided were a problem for me. The reality is that I’m powerless over everything in my life. True recovery for me comes from true surrender of ego and lust. I prayed daily but it had become mechanical. I wasn’t really making conscious contact.

I heard a slogan that fits me perfectly: “Without God, I can’t; Without me, God won’t.” I have to be willing to have complete faith, complete trust, and complete humility. I had developed faith, but trust and humility didn’t come easily. I must remember that I am simply a conduit through which God’s love and kindness enters this world. The grace of God is what keeps me sober today.

Today I feel that I have better recovery than I had those first two years when I counted myself sober. And I know that recovery is the key to staying sober. My “selfs”—self-pity, self-righteousness, self-seeking, and self-justification—are all very dangerous places for me to hang out. Whenever I find myself hanging out there, I try to see where I am struggling, then I turn that over to my Higher Power.

I am not perfect today, but I would say that I’m better off than I was for the first two years in SA because of this slip.