I practiced obsessive fantasy for years. In my obsession, I often chased men who were not available to me. I had the problem described in the White Book, “We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden” (203). I pursued my lust objects obsessively. I was not able to “Let go and let God.” In trying to control and possess men, I lost control of myself.

In 1999, before I came to SA, I “dated” a guy who I thought was single. One day, I folded a piece of paper into the shape of a heart, wrote a note on it, and gave it to him. Later that week, a woman came up to me, dropped the note in front of me, and said, “Do not give my man any more of your origami!” She looked like she might punch me in the face! I felt sick to my stomach, but did that stop me from pursuing him? No! I thought of myself as a good person, but somehow I didn’t realize that I was acting against my morals. I didn’t know that I was powerless over my behavior or that “Lust had become an addiction” (SA 3).

I would call this man often and leave messages. When he stood me up I would go to his house and knock on the door, then call him from my cell phone, then knock some more. His roommate once opened the door a crack and told me to stop calling and knocking! Frustrated, I sat in my car, which I had parked on a hill where I could see the door to his place. After I did act out with him, I got up to go home and found that my new car had been keyed on one side.

Another time I was flirting with him at his friend’s house. I didn’t think the other woman knew I was there but I was wrong! She burst in on us and ran straight toward my face with a lit cigarette in her hand. In the blink of an eye I was on the floor and my “boyfriend” pushed her roughly out of the room. They screamed at each other outside the room. He came back and apologized for her behavior. I wondered at my own stupidity.

I pressured him to marry me and he did. We were both 21 when we got married. It was an abusive marriage. We verbally abused each other, and he also abused me in other ways. I never thought a person was capable of feeling as hurt as I felt while married to this guy. I thought that by “winning” him over the other woman, I had won, but in reality I was the loser.

I saw a glimmer of my own insanity, but I blamed my husband for my problems. After three years of marriage, we divorced. In November of 2003, after a few more experiences of obsessive lusting, I went to my first SA meeting and I purchased the White Book.

I didn’t want to go to meetings at first. I was afraid to seek help from others. I wasn’t sure I belonged, even though I related to the shares and felt that “The Problem” (SA 203) described my feelings. I thought that the meetings would make me feel better, but I decided that listening to people share was making me sicker. After a few months I stopped going to meetings. I thought I could find the solution by reading the White Book and asking for advice from my mother!

While I was waiting for my divorce to be final, I dated a few men. But I didn’t know how to date! I ended up stalking another man for a time. I would promise myself that I would not have sex with these guys, but then I would break my promises and feel great remorse. I tried to stop acting out with men by lusting online in chat rooms and using pornography, but I found I needed more and more material to feed my lust obsession. With no meetings and no husband, I had no one left to blame for my troubles. At 26 years old I knew I had no other option: it was either continue in this living hell, or go back to SA.

The meetings were mostly full of men. At first, I did not see them as individuals; I saw a crowd of men. But when I listened, I was surprised to hear them share my own feelings. I felt that they knew who I was on the inside. The meetings became rooms full of people who were just like me, no matter what sex or age or marital status. I found that: “We identified with one another on the inside. Whatever the details of our problem, we were dying spiritually—dying of guilt, fear, and loneliness. As we came to see that we shared a common problem, we also came to see that, for us there is a common solution—the Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship and on a foundation of what we call sexual sobriety” (SA 1-2).

I began feeling safe in meetings. Through the meetings, I began to recover from objectifying and stalking men and—slowly and imperfectly—learned to surrender lust. I turned to my Higher Power to give me the strength to surrender lust one day at a time. I used to think obsession was okay but lust was not. Today I can see that obsession is lust in a different form. I cannot obsess about another human being and live life happy, joyous, and free. Today I realize that when I go into romantic fantasy (like planning a wedding with some guy I just met), this is the beginning stage of lust for me. “Lust is not sex, and it is not physical. It seems to be a screen of self-indulgent fantasy separating me from reality…” (SA 42).

Today I’ve been sober more than six years. Through the SA program—going to meetings, working the Steps, and calling my sponsor and other women—I have learned how to surrender lust one thought at a time. I’m learning to date soberly. I’ve also learned that I can surrender hurts and rejections. I learned a phrase from a program friend that helps me cope with loss: “His rejection is God’s protection.” I could not have learned any of these things on my own. I need the help of my sponsor and others in the program to see where I need help.

Today when I find myself thinking too much about a particular man, I pray for him: At first, “. . . I used various prayers in the moment of temptation: ‘I’m powerless, please help me!’ ‘I surrender my right to lust.’ . . . ‘I want you to bless this person and help them.’ Etc. It worked, thank God!” (RC 39).

Then I learned to pray more positive prayers, such as “What I seek in Him may I find in You” (paraphrased from SA 165), and “Thank you God for this temptation as well as for the victory” (See RC 39, bottom of page). These prayers release me from the temptation, and also give me joy.

One huge gift of recovery is the fellowship. Before SA I was alone, and to surrender the fantasy meant facing the truth that I was alone. Today, I can surrender the obsessions, and when I do I am no longer alone. What a gift!