My friend Chris began his recovery from sexual addiction after being arrested in 2007 for a sex-related crime. In 2008, shortly after celebrating one year of sexual sobriety, he learned that he could plead guilty and receive a 15-year sentence, or he could go to trial. His lawyer stated that the likely outcome of the trial would be 30 years, and recommended that he accept the plea. After some agonizing deliberation and prayer, Chris went with the 15 years and began serving the sentence immediately. The law in Chris’s state currently allows no chance of early release. He has two teenage daughters who are likely to be in their late twenties when he is released.

Chris has an SA sponsor and remains sober to this day. He is active in service at the prison. In December 2010, he contributed the following article (which has been adapted for ESSAY) to the prison newsletter. Chris asks your prayers for his attempts to start an SA meeting in his prison, which have so far been unsuccessful.

A Real Gift

Originally published in prison newsletter 2010, adapted for ESSAY by permission

As Christmas came and went, it occurred to me once again that I really didn’t have anything to give to any of my family for Christmas. I was pretty sure that none of them wanted a sack of Maxwell House or a 10-pack of Ramen! What did I have that they would want? I say these things kiddingly, because it occurred to me that in recovery, I do have a gift that my family will receive, but with complete joy. It’s me—the real me.

I recently heard on the radio, in a commentary by a Christian preacher, that a man had gone to AA and gotten sober, but that his wife was not happy. Sober, he was a jerk! Bill W. makes the point in Alcoholics Anonymous (122) that: “Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition.”

Personally, I’ve made a mess of my life, created very difficult situations for my family, and much of that will take time to heal. Aside from that, I’ve often been so self-centered for so long that it has taken a long time for me to learn a new way of life. Quitting my sex addiction was a good start, but working the Steps and moving toward healing has been an extended process, and it will almost certainly continue to carry with it plenty of trials.

Bill W. continues, “The head of the house ought to remember that he is mainly to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the account in his lifetime” (AA 127). Recently, I’ve had personal experiences that remind me of this fact. There may well be things I can’t clean up, regardless of how much I want to do so. Some injuries, some consequences, cannot be removed or made up for, and the victims of those injuries or consequences will have learn to live with them or deal with them on their own. That is the sad but very real truth of my situation. Frankly, I’m very sad about the harms I’ve caused others, but I know there is no amount of groveling, manipulation, whining, smiling, or any other action that can take away this reality.

What is the answer then? That is where the idea of a gift comes in. In sobriety, I have learned about the causes of my own problems—the why of my addiction. I have worked the Steps in order to clean up the wreckage of my past, drop off the baggage, and move forward clean and fresh.

This work brought me a new spirituality, based on the realization that there is a God who will help me each day. Because I have been relieved from the “bondage of self” on a daily basis, I have become a more grateful human being. In the new life, I’ve found that I can experience joy through living my life for others.

In SA, as in all fellowships that practice the Twelve Step principles, we find that, “Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things which matter so much to some people no longer signify much to them. How could they?” (AA 161). I can relate. I spent many years in my addiction caring only for myself. I wanted to care for others, have meaningful relationships, and be seen as a good person, but I was not capable of true union. The self I presented to others was false. It was a front that protected the wounded person in me, who was incapable of dealing with life on life’s terms. Sad, but true.

Healthy people (whoever they may be!) give of themselves in relationships without expecting anything in return. They are not looking out for themselves first—they take care of themselves by nurturing their spiritual condition and looking for ways to make their loved ones’ lives better. They give because they know that they have received: they forgive because they know they are forgiven.

So, this past Christmas, my gift was: the real me. How did I give it? By choosing to live my life in such a way that others can see that I have truly changed. I must stop all self-seeking behavior and look for all the ways that God would have me help others in my daily life. It may be just a smile and a compliment of another’s work. It may be giving my labor or my material goods. It may just be my willingness to sit with another in his or her time of need. Regardless, I do so because it is the right thing to do in the circumstance; not because it makes me feel good, even though it may.

The final paragraph of the text of Alcoholics Anonymous sums up the program and the way to this new life nicely: “Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny” (AA 164).

This is truly the gift that keeps on giving. I need to recover for myself, and stay that way, so that I can be a gift to others.