My name is Neal (aka “Pepe” in Spanish). I’m a grateful recovering sexaholic.

This past year, my work sent me to Spain for seven months, and then to Zambia and Malawi for another month. These have been challenging assignments, and it is nothing short of a miracle that my Higher Power has kept me sober during this time. I’m grateful to those who have written to me at my home in Spain.

By the grace of God and the miracle of this program, today I have been sexually sober for six months and nine days. Today, I’m grateful for the light to see that my most important task is to open myself to the grace of God so that tomorrow I might be able to say that I’ve been sober for six months and 10 days.

I absolutely hate the words of Alcoholics Anonymous (85): “We are not cured. . . What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” Because I hate those words so much, I need to have them tattooed onto the inside of both eyelids and the palms of both hands!

I’ve been in SA since December 1991. Before now, the longest I had been sober was less than five months. I thought I might be one of those who is “constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” But I have kept coming back all of this time. I am so very grateful for the program.

The main thing I find in SA is an unconditional love and acceptance I thought I would never know. A therapist once told me to be careful in SA because some have experienced it as a shaming program. In fact, at times I have felt shame at meetings—when I have not been sober. But what I have found most often is great compassion for the addict who still suffers.

For a long time, whenever I introduced myself, I wanted others to understand how special I was. When speaking, I would give a long introduction so people might get a better picture. I suffer from a desire for “terminal uniqueness.” But my SA meeting discourages this type of thinking. After a member presents a Step One to our group, at least one group member will say, “You sound like a run-of-the-mill sexaholic!” Today, it gives me great joy to proclaim to the world, “I am nobody special!”

Several years ago, I flew to an SA International Convention in California. On the flight, I was quite jealous of the many individuals who were surfing the net on their laptop computers. I thought, “I can’t do that because of my disease. Poor me!” Not 24 hours later, I found my way to an SA meeting near Los Angeles. I was surrounded by my closest friends in the world—none of whom I had ever met! This helped me see the awesome blessing of the fellowship of SA. I realized that those people on the plane don’t have this fellowship, and that, in fact, I am one of the luckiest people in the world!

The God of my understanding is constantly blowing my mind. The second tattoo I need to have inscribed in at least a couple of prominent places is, “We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us” (AA 164).

Today, I know some joy and peace—and I want to do everything I can to live in the present such as it is. The last 16 1/2 years are meaningless, the last six months are meaningless, and tomorrow is an eternity away. I can never be sufficiently grateful for the patience, kindness, and mercy of my Higher Power and His agents who have been my brothers and sisters in SA.

Because of my travel schedule, it has not been possible for me to make an SA meeting in the six months that I’ve been sober. I’ve had to use other tools. In the absence of meetings, the most important program tools for me have been prayer and meditation. Silent time for these is absolutely necessary for me. But the great religious traditions teach us that there are many forms of prayer.

Besides praying alone in silence, I’ve prayed with the phone. I called people and received calls from other SA members while in Spain. Alcoholics Anonymous (100) says, “If we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do.” Part of that spiritual fitness is finding a way to bring my struggles to the light. I remember a helpful line from Alcoholics Anonymous (69), “We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t.” I don’t share everything with everyone; but if I’m spiritually fit, I can trust my intuitions about how much and with whom to share.

Amazingly, I have also prayed on the Internet. There was a time when Internet porn was such a temptation that I had to stay away from computers. But lately I’ve shared Step work by email and have used email for giving and receiving sponsorship. I still must be very careful with the Internet—I must stay within boundaries and regularly check in with others about my time on the computer.

I am very much looking forward to a regular schedule of SA meetings upon my return in June. My very closest friends are my SA brothers and sisters—and now I have a good number of them living in Spain!

Alcoholics Anonymous (17) talks about the joy and camaraderie of people who have been saved from shipwreck. I feel that I have been through a spiritual awakening of the “educational variety” (AA 567). My best thinking has kept me from enjoying the blessings, the joy, and the freedom of sobriety.

Sobriety is a wonderful and mysterious gift. My Higher Power gave me a brain, which I have often misused to enable and cover up my acting out. I have to ask Him to help me to use that brain for good purposes, to be creative, that I might find any and every possible tool to keep me sober.

As we say in Spain, ¡Feliz 24 horas!—Happy 24 hours ahead.

Yours in the fellowship,