I’ve been hit hard by lust this last week. When that happens, my only choice is to surrender and turn to my Higher Power. The program becomes really simple after that.

In the past, I would work the Steps over and over, volunteer for lots of service positions, call 10 people each day, read program literature non-stop, and listen to tapes all the time—but I don’t think I ever gave up lust 100%. I always felt there was something wrong with my program, but I didn’t know what it was.

Today, by the grace of God, I give up the first drink 100% of the time and turn to my Higher Power (Steps One through Three in a nutshell). Suddenly the program becomes simple. Today, I don’t feel there is anything wrong with my program, but I have to keep working it. Today I feel clean, and I have felt that way for 120 days. I have had several years of “technical sobriety,” but I never felt clean like I do today.

Today, I believe that the proper use of my willpower is in working the Steps, which removes the blockages between my Higher Power and me, between my head and my heart, and between myself and other people.

Something happened on Sept 14, 2007, that caused this change to happen. I’m not sure what it was, but several things come to mind:

• I knew the desire for lust was never going to leave, but today I have a choice in how I react.
• I knew that the lust package consisted of an upside (that gratifying rush) and a downside (the unmanageability it created). I had to give up the whole package.
• I knew I had to give up something I wanted. I’d never done that before.
• In giving up something I want, I have to experience the unavoidable pain of withdrawal.
• The tools for enduring withdrawal are my HP and the program.
• When the lust hit comes again, I have to give it up 100% and turn to prayer, call someone, go to a meeting, or read some literature.
• The new life of recovery takes place in the space that is created between the desire for lust and taking the first drink of lust.

“Low-level” lust is really sipping at lust until one day it explodes inside of me and I end up acting out. All lust can be traced back to the first drink. If I surrender the first drink, I don’t have to worry about any other form of lust. Then I can look at the blockages inside of me that cut me off from my HP, other people, and from myself.

After 16 years in the program, I feel like a newcomer, like I’m getting it for the first time. Today, three tools help me stay clean:

• The St. Francis Prayer (12&12 99), especially the part about God making me a channel: for peace, love, forgiveness, harmony, etc.
• Working the Steps with the idea of that channel in mind. This helps me remove the blockages in the channel, so the sunlight of the Spirit can shine through me.
• The passage in Alcoholics Anonymous (86-88) regarding taking a daily inventory. I read this passage every morning and evening. It gives me tools I can use throughout the day in any situation.

These things help me to keep the program really simple, one day at a time. Thank God!