In 1998, I believed I had a good life. I was 50 years old and satisfied in my marriage of 25 years, secure in my job, and content to have raised two grown children who were now out of the house. At the time, computers were the latest technology, and the Internet was an intriguing way to spend time talking with people from all over the country. But soon chatting wasn’t enough. I started experimenting with cybersex chat rooms and flirting with all sorts of people. I spent most of my spare time sneaking onto the computer to find someone and have cybersex. So how did I suddenly become inflicted with sexaholism?

The truth is that I did not suddenly “catch” this addiction, as one catches a flu virus. Character defects that had plagued me since childhood were part of the cause. All my life I had covered up my low self-esteem with self-righteousness. I thought I had all the answers. I didn’t need friends or people to depend on. I went to Temple and said the prayers but didn’t really need God. He was there for the weaker people. I had my life under control; I knew what was best for me. My wife thought of me as withdrawn and solitary.

The computer was like a bright hypnotizing light; I was the firefly drawn into its deadly charms. Lustful fantasies helped me forget my fears and worries. I could feel passion and excitement without leaving home. I rationalized it wasn’t really adultery because I had no intention of ever meeting any of these strangers. I remember one weekend when my wife was out of town. I could hardly wait to get home from work to spend some time on the Internet. I was hoping a certain woman would be online because we always got quite sexual. Many hours later I was insane with thoughts that I could actually be in love with her. Did I really believe all those things she had said to me? I was so confused. I had lost all perspective. Was this Internet relationship real or pretend?

By the fall of 2001, I was fairly adept at balancing my secret life. I had opened additional email accounts, was calling women on the phone, and finally did the one thing I vowed never to do—I met them offline. I was staying after work for hours at a time, had stopped communicating with my wife, and was losing sleep at night wondering what kind of person I had become.

One day at the office I was online chatting provocatively when my wife signed on to our account from home and knocked me offline. She then intercepted the instant message from a woman—and I was busted! My wife was furious and laid down the law: we would get counseling, and I would stop chatting and meeting with other women or she would leave. I was remorseful and apologetic and vowed to do whatever it took to save my marriage. We went to counseling, but my life-long character defects were never brought up. My problem was diagnosed as mostly a mid-life crisis. My marriage returned to its normal routine.

In early 2002, my wife decided to have surgery to help improve her quality of life. I remember leaving her hospital room for the night, and on my way home stopping at a strip club. I was soon back on the Internet, visiting chat rooms and looking at pornography. In late spring I traveled to Las Vegas with some male friends. I made an excuse the first night to go off by myself, and met up with a woman I chatted with on the Internet, who lived in Las Vegas.

At night I would be anxious and worried that my wife would catch me again. I had trouble sleeping. I tried to comprehend why I was destroying my life with this behavior, but I could never figure it out. In 2003, my wife was working with me as my office manager. We disagreed over various policies. She felt frustrated and ineffective, and decided to take some time off. Before long, the office was in disarray. I couldn’t figure out why I was working so hard but had nothing to show for it. One of my employees was stealing. I resented my wife for leaving but denied this; I didn’t want to share with her my concern that I could not handle things on my own. Instead I started chatting on the Internet with one of my wife’s friends as an outlet.

My wife’s friend was dissatisfied with her marriage, and emotional feelings developed between us. Soon we were meeting in my office, and even going to parks to have sex. The affair lasted almost two years—while my wife saw this friend at least once a week. They were in the same social groups and would go shopping and have lunches together. I knew I was doing a horrible thing. I tried many times to stop but eventually we would be back at it. In August 2005, at a local park, a policeman caught us in the midst of a sex act. I was utterly embarrassed. I pleaded with him not to let our families know. Sitting in the police car I felt my life was over. The policeman must have felt some compassion because after an intense lecture he let us go with no charges. As scared as I was over this, within a few days my wife’s friend and I were making jokes about it.

Thanksgiving 2005 began in a normal way for me. After a morning run, I helped my wife get things ready for the turkey dinner with our family, including our two grandkids. I would sneak upstairs every hour or so to check my emails. Lust was always in my thoughts. Physically, I spent the day with my family, but mentally I was miles away in my sexual fantasies. Ironically, when my wife was interested in having sex later on, it was the last thing I wanted to do. Without the lust, my gas tank was on empty. My wife thought I must be tired. I turned over to sleep but my mind was wide awake. I felt alone and scared, like a lost child in a dark, forbidden forest.

I was losing my wife, but even more I was losing myself. There seemed to be no way out of this horrible place. I felt trapped. I couldn’t believe the things I was doing. I did not want to live another day in this affair. I was tired of lying, sneaking around, and betraying my wife.

I decided that the only way I could stop would be to confess. Whatever the outcome, it would be better than another day of lying and cheating. Suddenly I began to cry. My wife was startled from her sleep and asked what was wrong. With a power from somewhere deep within myself, I blurted out what I had been doing over the last two years. It was as if I turned to God and said I will now do whatever it takes to stop this insanity. When the smoke cleared over the next few days, we were sleeping in separate bedrooms, and my wife was talking of divorce. My wife wanted nothing to do with keeping this a secret. She told many of her close friends, as well as our son and daughter. She also confronted her so-called friend. I was devastated, filled with shame and guilt.

Promises and apologies were not going to work this time. I had to do something to find out why my life was self-destructing. So again I went to counseling. This time I was given a copy of Sexaholics Anonymous; this book was amazing. I read and reread sections to understand the concepts more fully. I instantly recognized my behaviors as being addictive. The idea of powerlessness over lust finally explained why I could not stop.

In January 2006, I attended my first SA meeting. It didn’t take long to find understanding and comradeship in this group. I went to several meetings a week and made calls when I needed to. I asked someone to be my sponsor. As we worked through the Twelve Steps, the guilt and shame began to lift. Listening to the stories of other sexaholics, I realized I was not alone, and that even with my character defects, I had a chance to make positive changes. I could have a better life than I had before. Now that is a miracle!

I’ve become a sponsor to several members, and I realize how important these relationships are to my health. I can use the errors of my life to help others. “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others” (Alcoholics Anonymous 84)—one of the grand promises of this program. All the stories I hear prove to me that my addiction is like a disease in remission, but it could become active if I don’t care for myself. The SA program must be a priority in my life.

The program is working for me as long as I keep working the program. I’m learning to trust that my Higher Power will always be around to protect me, and that not everything I want is what I need. There will always be obstacles in my life, but the way around them is to be vigilant about working on myself. My marriage is on much firmer ground, but it will take a lot of work to make amends to my wife. I feel blessed to say that in January of 2008 my wife and I will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary.

Coming upon two years of sobriety, I will never forget that I was willing to destroy everything in my life for this lust connection. Now, with the grace of God, I have a chance with the SA program to make things right. This enriches me and gives me all the strength I need to live one day at a time.