I recently heard a member express discouragement at reduced attendance, revolving-door membership, and a general lack of sobriety in the meetings he attends.

When I first started sexual addiction recovery in 1994, I was also angry because the program members in my city didn’t have much sobriety. I thought that having others with long-term sobriety would help me with my own sobriety, and I was upset because a sober atmosphere did not exist in the meetings I attended.

Over time, I realized that I would have to stay sober and recover despite this lack. I could not base my recovery on the quality of other people’s programs. I’d just have to accept the fact that, at most of the SA meetings I attend, I’m the one with the most sexual sobriety. If I want a sober atmosphere, it may mean that I need to be the one to provide it.

I also took some practical steps. I have a long-distance sponsor with 20+ years of SA sobriety. I go to every international convention, where there are dozens of people with long-term sobriety. I am not an alcoholic, but I attend open AA meetings, where I can hear from people with decades of sobriety. And so far, it has worked.

I work the SA program for my own selfish reasons. People come and people go—and I don’t really pay much attention to it. There’s always a fresh supply of sexaholics. Meetings wax and wane, then wax and wane again. New faces show up then disappear. A few reappear. A handful remain constant over the years—some sober and some not. None of this matters. The important thing is that I’m sober for another day.

What I’ve just written is important. It may seem callous, but this mindset is crucial to my recovery.