I attended family counseling for six years; my wife was crazy and she wasn’t getting any better. Did it have anything to do with the fact that I was having several simultaneous affairs? I was a respected professional in a small town. Some of the women were my clients. This was in violation of the ethics of my profession and whatever ethics I might have thought I had for my marriage. I was juggling several lies, and I was tense and angry all the time. I spent lots of energy covering my tracks and keeping the lies straight. I was having trouble sleeping.

In the midst of this misery, I was determined to “be there” for my kids. They were very young back then. I was miserable and not much fun to be around, but I was physically present in their lives. I was putting in a lot of “quantity” time.

One night one of the husbands called me and told me that his wife had confessed to him. It was the first time I acknowledged a Power greater than myself. I admitted it was true. Like some sort of science fiction movie, time slowed to a crawl. I remembered a book I had seen five years earlier about sexual addiction. I recognized in that instant that I was a sexaholic. I could not stop myself. I could see it happening, inevitably: loss of job, career, professional status, home and family. I saw it in a split second and I was relieved. I would not have to juggle this misery any longer.

My wife asked who called. I put her off with some lie. We had reached this compromise that allowed our marriage to go on, but there was no intimacy and no honesty between us. Years before she had threatened to leave if I ever had an affair. So, of course, I could never be honest about what was happening.

I called the therapist to whom I had been lying for six years. I couldn’t lie now. The therapist read me the first three Steps. It was an “Aha!” moment for me. The idea of being powerless and needing a Higher Power suddenly made sense because I was in a desperate place. It took me another six weeks to locate a meeting. I have to say thanks to all the members who have recorded tapes. I would play a tape on the way to the meeting, and another on the way home. There is so much recovery and hope on those tapes. I knew those voices and stories long before I met any of those members.

I struggled with telling my wife. She had to know that we were going to be without income. She had decisions to make about the welfare of our children and how to live without me. I was going to be lying in a gutter somewhere. I fantasized about chain saws and how to make a suicide look like an accident. I didn’t have the benefit of the sage advice in the White Book about early disclosure. I just picked a time and told her. She listened and asked questions for hours. Then she left to take a walk and clear her head.

She came back and told me that, for the first time, parts of her history made sense to her—her dad and the other men in her life. She saw a pattern. She decided not to leave because she was afraid that she would just do the same thing again unless she figured out what to do. That amazed me because I had not imagined that she would stay.

She progressed to a place of rage and fury for several months, but she stayed. She tried to find a Twelve Step program for herself. I tried to read about the Steps and struggle through them. God provided me a meeting and a sponsor.

The public shame was intense. I was front page news. Daily. For a very long time. Even later, when someone else was exposed, they would use me as a bad example. People from the media would come right up to the front door. My wife would moan, “We are working the Steps. We are doing the best we can. Why aren’t things getting better?” The process took over two years. I lost my job, my career, my reputation, and my standing in the community. In addition, I had to work my way through several lawsuits.

God provided new work for us. We can work from home, and we have learned new skills.

The kids were young, but it was impossible to hide it from them. We took them to counseling. They told stories of a prince and a princess who were seeking a treasure hidden in a castle guarded by a terrible dragon. They knew something was happening. We knew the day would come that we would have to tell them.

After several years passed, I checked the computer of one of our kids and found pornography. As parents, we were distressed and clueless. I knew it was time to tell him about being a sexaholic. I had to tell him. Fortunately, my other son had asked me pointed questions first, and I had been able to practice on him.

Today, we have learned how to play as a family. It is part of being “happy, joyous, and free.” We take family trips—backpack, share the facilities, and learn to get along and compromise. We use the Traditions in our family, remembering that the primary purpose is not to get what I want, but to do something for someone else. This program has given me a life and a family.

I have to put in a plug for service. At first, when my sponsor asked me to do service, I would think, no thanks! You just want me to do something you don’t want to do. Now I realize that he was offering me a piece of cake, a chance to participate, a gift. Service benefits me more than anyone else. So, I thank the fellowship of SA. You are the face, hands, and voice of God in my life. It has been a privilege to serve and be served by you.