“We began taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give and the measure we gave was the measure we got back” (SA 205).

When I hit bottom somewhere around end of 1985, my marriage was over and my family was shattered. I was shamed, angry, resentful, and filled with desire for justice and revenge against all the others I was blaming for my situation. I was also aware that no solution was available to me. There was going to be no justice, no revenge, and no alternative relationship. God was not going to help me out of this. My only answer was to stop the pain by committing suicide. It was well planned and my intent was to create a situation where my wife would surely find me dangling at the end of my rope. She would then feel the same pain I was feeling and be helpless to change it, just as I was.

In that moment, God reached me with His message. It said, “Don’t do it. You are worthwhile, loved and important to Me. You are seeking love and approval from all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. I want you to stop trying to prove yourself to others, defying My will for you, and begin following My ways to life eternal and life abundant on this earth.” I felt the tremendous weight of my burdens suddenly lifted. I felt free and had a sense of tremendous hope for my future. Suicide was no longer an option.

I knew I needed to seek help because I had failed miserably at changing things in my own ways. It seemed things got even worse each time I tried. I had to face making the changes God suggested, but I couldn’t do it alone. I sought the help of a Christian counselor.

This man listened to months of me rambling on about my feelings, despair, situations of self-pity, and blaming. Then one day he stopped me and asked if I wanted to let go and let God deliver me from this messed-up situation I had created for myself. I said, “Absolutely! How do I do that?” He said, “Say this prayer with me, asking Him into your life. Be willing to let Him have control and follow His advice recorded in His scripture for all to know for all time.” I did that with little belief, but I was willing to give it a try. I took the actions. I felt a peace come about me I never felt before. Then the counselor suggested I go to a Christian recovery program he knew of. I followed his advice and spent the next two years studying God’s word. One study took four months: daily from four to six hours a day, seven days a week. It required research and journal work. It got me out of myself and forced me to think about others in the way God thinks about them. It forced me to recognize a commitment made to God about caring for my wife through sickness, health, wealth, better times or worse, until death do us part.

It was suggested to honor my commitment to God by loving my wife. Love this person whom I despised and resented so much? Do good for her when she was wielding her justice and revenge upon my hide? Commit to a relationship with her when I couldn’t trust her motives or intent? But I decided that I would do it for God, not for her. Taking these actions of love even if the feelings were not there. Trusting God, not her. This was very foreign to me. Although I had little faith in the actions, I did have faith in God to make something happen, and was willing to accept the outcome no matter what it was.

Part of this commitment meant no longer seeking relationships out of marriage and no more finding fault and blaming my wife, to give me permission to cheat on her. It also meant accepting her inability to have an intimate relationship with me at this time. I decided that sex with self was acceptable as long as it wasn’t with anyone other than her. Later I listened to those words I just wrote. Wasn’t sex with self someone other than her? Wow, what a blow to my attitude.

I spent the next seven years being faithful, but not celibate from sex with self and magazine images of women. I spent many difficult hours practicing doing good things for her and being grateful for her willingness to try working things out. This began to develop a new kind of real relationship between us. I began to appreciate her in new and different ways. She began to renew and rekindle her love for me also.

Now I understood the reason for taking the actions of love to improve our relationship. It meant respecting her and accepting her faults. She reciprocated. Today our relationship is better than when we first married. I have received new respect from my children, who used to despise me.

One problem remained. I wasn’t being sexually satisfied. No sex with her meant I had to continue trying to manage and control occasional sex with self. I wanted the lust hit. Lust kept me in constant obsession for more lust. I felt deprived of real sex. It wasn’t available yet with my wife.

I was working another Twelve Step program for my alcohol and drug abuse, but I floundered in my recovery for seven years. I was no longer cheating with other people but I wasn’t lust-free either. One day after a very trying seven months, I was without a job, bored, and emotionally disturbed. I went out cruising. I made eye contact with a girl in an area where I had no business being, and couldn’t resist the opportunity to make a sexual connection. I back-slid into being a cheater with this one brief encounter. It was no different than before. It was a hollow, meaningless, one-night stand. I left the situation with disgust and bitterness for my weakness. I despised myself for my sin. I knew that it was an act which could destroy, in one instant, the marriage I worked for seven years to repair. I was disgusted and fearful of the repercussion.

Two months later I found there was a program called SA. I knew I was home. I went to meetings, meetings, meetings, bought the literature, read the White Book and discovered the Solution on page 204.

I had already received the wisdom and benefit of commitment to God in my marriage. Now I knew it was time to make a commitment to God for my sex addiction to improve my relationship with Him. I began taking the actions of love for God and committed myself to using my sexuality for His purpose. I also gave up sex with self and discarded all sources of lust in my life, including those in magazines, television, and the memories in my head from past experiences. Love is commitment. I read this in scripture. Take the actions of commitment. That improves my relationship with God on a daily basis. Commitment to God and His purpose for my life. No sex with self or with persons other than my wife. To do this I need constant daily victory over lust.

Thank God for this principle. Thank you for letting me share it.