A while ago, a fellow in my home group went through a difficult time and wondered why God let it happen. This reminded me of something that happened for me about two years ago.

My sister fell down some stairs while holding her daughter, Elly. My sister was unharmed, but my niece, barely one year old, broke her leg. She had to spend several weeks in a cast. Then my sister got COVID, and with the family in isolation, they had to arrange for a special exception so I could take Elly to have her cast removed.

The doctor told me to lay Elly on the examination table so the nurse and I could hold her still while the doctor cut the cast off. As you might expect, when the doctor turned on the noisy saw, Elly went into a panic. She cried and screamed. I tried to comfort and soothe her, telling her that I was there, it’d be over quickly, that she was safe, and how much I loved her. I whispered all this love right into her ear, but I suspect Elly still couldn’t hear me amid the commotion and her panic. She was so consumed by fear that my words of comfort must’ve seemed completely irrelevant to her.

As adults, the rest of us in the room knew the saw wouldn’t hurt her, and it was a necessary, uncomfortable situation she’d have to briefly endure so she could run around without the cast. But I couldn’t explain it to a one-year-old.

I now realize that God works with me in the same way. He sees the big picture, something I cannot see. When I go through difficult times, adversity, or pain, I often wonder why He allows it, why He doesn’t take it away. But He knows what I don’t know. He knows why things happen and how they will ultimately turn out for my good.

Shortly after Elly was again happily running around, chronic pain forced me to leave my job permanently. I could barely walk or function, and I was confined to the couch for several months. It was terrible, and I wondered how I could keep developing, be productive, and feel better. I ordered a starter kit online and taught myself how to embroider. I made the best of the situation, and in so doing, I discovered I apparently have creative talent. I find it both challenging and relaxing, and I now enjoy making things for others, and I find it brings joy to both me and them. This led to crocheting and then to mending my own clothes with needle and thread. I now engage in these activities every day—it’s my form of prayer and meditation.

Being confined at home in terrible pain seems like a sad situation, but it led me to a creative hobby and self-improvement in a way I couldn’t have imagined. It fulfills me to seek happiness for myself and others like this.

I’ve been thinking more about how I comforted my niece in the hospital though she couldn’t hear me. Lots of fear has been with me lately. It weighs me down as I feel incredibly insecure. I pray and surrender these fears to God, but they remain very present, paralyzing me. Last night, during my prayer, I suddenly wondered what words God might be saying to me while, like Elly, I’m not calm enough to listen.

I decided to simply say aloud what I imagined God would say if I would hear Him. Suddenly I was hugging myself thinking, You don’t have to be afraid. I am here with you, and I won’t leave you alone. I know you’re scared, but know that you’re not alone. I’m holding your hand and guiding you through this. In my loving, gentle way, I don’t judge you, and neither should you. I love you. My fears disappeared like snow in warm sunshine.

I don’t know why I’m going through this difficult period with fear, pain, and financial strain. But Higher Power is with me! I know that now. He knows what I don’t know. And maybe, just maybe, I’m going through this so that I can write and maybe help another sexaholic or it could be something completely different about which I’m still clueless.

All I need to do is trust and surrender to Him. He knows what He’s doing, and I just need to accept.