It took me a while to understand and put this into my daily program:

… the ex-problem [luster] who has found the solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another [sexaholic] in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished (AA 18).

I had been reading it in every meeting for over three years before my wife walked in on me with another woman. Maybe I needed that to happen to realize I wasn’t working the Program the right way. I was working it my way. The white-knuckle way. Which definitely is the absolute wrong way.

This passage from the Big Book has brought me to where I need to be. Attending meetings now, I try to lead with my weakness (see SA 186, 187, 189). This is huge progress for me.

I’m showing the newcomer that I had the same difficulty, but I’m now a man with a real answer. I talk to new members and help guide them in the Program and share what works well for me. I try to guide and show them how to live in the Solution as they work their own program. I find myself staying after meetings to talk with others giving them guidance from my own experience. It’s great to be able to help others who are struggling and offer tools to help them live in the Solution as I have.

As a sexaholic, I’ve learned that many in the Program battle the same things I’ve battled: relapse, lying, hiding stuff, etc. Working with others is a necessary component of my personal program. I’ve asked myself many times what I have to do to keep sober and why I keep relapsing. These are all things I’ve worked hard at over the past few months to make myself better.

For almost four years before I got sober, my wife kept asking why I repeatedly acted out, was dishonest without changing my behavior, broke my promises, etc. I had a hard time giving up lust. But when I hit my bottom when my wife caught me in the act, I saw lots of things I needed to do to make life better for her and show how I could change without expecting anything in return.

I tried to commit suicide, but my wife found me and saved my life. I often asked why she didn’t just let me die, thinking, I don’t deserve to be here. Her reply was, “You’re not taking the easy way out.” Now I often think of that during my prayers in the morning and evening. I’m grateful she saved my life and gave me the opportunity to see what it’s like to live life happy, joyous, and free.

In my disease, I was a totally different man. I was in this addiction since I was 5 or 6 when I found magazines in my dad’s night stand. I would sneak in and look at them whenever I could. I soon figured out that he got a new one every month. I lay in wait for each new issue by continually checking the mailbox. I’d save the plastic wrap to put it back in so I could return it to the mailbox having looked through it first.

Things only progressed from there. Though I managed at one time to go 10 years without acting out, I still lusted heavily after women, which for me, wasn’t much different. Then the Internet happened, and I spiraled faster than ever.

If l never took the first look or typed the first words in a chat, it wouldn’t have become what it did. I did this right in front of my first wife, though. It was so bad that I could lie to her and make her think it was her fault. I’m ashamed that I caused her to believe she was the problem.

The first look/drink of lust was my downfall when I wouldn’t surrender it, make a phone call, attend a meeting, or use my tools. If I don’t do these things quickly, I go down the rabbit hole again. It’s just the way the vicious cycle goes if I don’t work the Program the right way.

The solution for me is looking at people in meetings who are living in the Solution and reminding myself that I, too, can live in the Solution if I use the tools shown to me by others. It’s really that simple!

My spiritual awakening came when my current wife discovered me for what felt like the 100th time. For some reason, this time, I realized I needed to make changes to how I was working my program, and so I did. I have a Higher Power that I use more than ever. Hitting yet another bottom was the only way I could begin working the Program properly. It shouldn’t take that many times, but it did with me.

The reason I had no control over my lust is that I just couldn’t stop! I’d take two, three, four looks in lust or wait for the woman to lust after me. I was hopeless and did nothing to stop. I can be slow, but I learned a very hard lesson when I was caught the last time. It got me to wake up and make some drastic changes: stay much closer to my sponsor, redo my Step work, reach out to other members, etc.

Since I’ve had what I call my spiritual awakening, it’s been a whole different life for me. I feel so much better about myself, my personal program, sharing at meetings by leading with my weakness, volunteering to lead meetings I haven’t been to in a while, and showing empathy for my wife like I never have before.

I realize now that I must work the Program for me and nobody else and keep it like that. Plus, I must help others along the way by leading them to the Solution.