Although I had owned a computer since 1994, I never once ventured into the murky seas of lust-driven Internet surfing — not even through four years of graduate school during which I spent hours doing online research. Not until June this year. This proved to be the final straw that led to acting out after thirteen years of sobriety.

It started with searching “out of curiosity” for web sites that might carry the name of a young female co-worker whom I had been finding extremely triggery over the past year. It led to some serious cruising through lustful images of female celebrities, and, finally, the “standard” porno sites maintained by magazines. What followed for two days was a masturbation/lust binge that included acting out in front of the TV, buying my first porno magazine since 1988, and acting out in the car.

I threw myself back into the SA program and “quickly” racked up 51 sober days — out of sheer desperation. However, complacency, ego, and resentment took over and then I sputtered and slipped off and on for two weeks.

This included a seven-day stretch of almost daily acting out in front of the TV and computer, during which my disease took off full-throttle. My fantasies included creating a “romantic/lustful” relationship with pictures of a popular female athlete. I would sneak out of the bedroom in the middle of the night, leaving my sleeping wife, and act out downstairs in front of the TV or upstairs in front of the computer.

What happened? I had virtually stopped praying or meditating, making phone calls, doing 10th Step inventories, and sponsoring others. I attended a small meeting that included three people, one who constantly struggled with sobriety, the second, a newcomer who never attended other meetings, and me, an “old-timer” who didn’t consistently work the Steps.

With a pregnant wife, an energetic toddler, mounting pressure at work, late nights, and cessation of a formerly regular exercise routine, I was ripe for a fall. What kept me from acting out for months was a 13-year habit of NOT masturbating. I had reached the point where acting out felt unnatural. Yet, my system played around with lust, which often reared its head at work, in department stores, and in the marriage bed. Toward the end, I felt like a boxer who was being knocked around the ring but who stayed on his feet by leaning on the ropes, clinching, backpedaling, etc.

In the end, I simply tried to control my recovery and turned my back on God. Now I want Him to take over again. I feel like a newcomer once again. I pray for God’s guidance and saving grace. Truly, only God can save the sexaholic. God, oh God, please help me.