An updated story from Member Stories 1989

When I was a little girl about five years old, I remember sitting on my grandfather’s lap and combing his hair. It gave me such happy, good feelings. My grandfather died when I was seven. I had trouble in school from that time on. I couldn’t concentrate, I would daydream, and I had headaches. I was a very lonely child after I lost that special relationship. I didn’t know how to get that love from anyone else, so I comforted myself in my fantasies where I was a fairy princess and my Prince Charming would come and carry me off. We would live in the land of happiness forever doing wonderful deeds and sharing our love.

I was a middle child. My older sister did well in school and was very dependable. My younger sister was very pretty and precocious, so people always gave her a lot of attention. I set out to be all those things my sisters were. I worried about how I looked and I tried to make lots of friends. I never fit in with the really popular people, but I found I could always have a group of friends by going with the less popular ones. Thus, I became very social. When I reached my teens, I found that if I flirted, I could also have lots of boyfriends. The feelings I found from having all this attention were the feelings I remembered from the days I spent with my grandfather.

Flirting was the only way I knew how to communicate with the males in my world. I felt guilty and ashamed for flirting the way I did, but I didn’t think I was smart enough to talk about anything that might interest them. I was torn between wanting the attention and feeling guilty about the way I was getting it. I had a secret place between the church and my house where the clover grew high. I would sit there and cry for hours. I felt so inadequate and lonely. The more inadequate and lonely I felt, the more my need for the attention and the high I got from flirting kept growing. I found that flirting led to petting, and even though I felt high from the sexual feelings and the attention, I would feel even more guilt. Then I would go to my spot and cry from loneliness and guilt. Looking back, I can see the painful downward spiral I was becoming trapped in.

When I was 17, I met a guy who drank. I had never been out with a guy who drank in front of me. He got drunk on our second date, and I decided then and there that he needed a nice girl like me to help him not to drink so much. He was the first man I had sex with, and I got pregnant. We got married in a big church wedding, and he came late and was drunk. I swore I would get a divorce after the baby came. I felt angry and lonely much of the time. He was always gone with his drinking buddies, and I became more lonely. I tried to search for the God of my childhood to comfort me, but I didn’t know how to find Him. I started flirting again and found I felt better. Flirting became my drug whenever I felt bad.

As the flirting progressed, I started thinking again that there was a Prince Charming out there who would make me feel whole. I progressed from flirting to having affairs. Every time I had an affair, I would fall madly in love. The excitement of the chase was often followed by the heartbreak of being used and then by obsessing about a person I couldn’t have. Guilt, shame, and remorse were feelings I had to cope with every day. I would promise myself I would stop what I was doing, but I couldn’t. I was searching constantly for the love I needed and hating myself for the men and the sex and not being able to stop. I prayed so hard, and then I would curse God because I couldn’t stop; I thought God wasn’t listening to me. I felt so hopeless I wanted to die.

I tried taking tranquilizers to stop the pain I was in, but it didn’t help. I quit the drugs and went to a psychiatrist, who helped some. I was able to look at my behavior more objectively; I realized that many people were doing what I was doing. I decided that if so many people were having affairs, it must be normal. I took permission from this rationalization to start searching again. Just before coming into recovery I became obsessed with one man and stayed obsessed.

I hated being so obsessed and constantly fought for control. This man and I were in a constant battle for supremacy. I could not get enough of him. The lust was so strong it was destroying me. I hated him. I loved him. I needed to please him so badly, but never felt I was able to please him enough. I felt like a junkie ready to come out of my skin when I didn’t get a call from him. I hated the way I was living, but I couldn’t stop. I felt so inadequate and alone. I thought I knew what Hell would be like. Finally, God answered my prayers by showing me a solution. I knew when I first heard about Al-Anon that it held an answer for me. My family situation had become really crazy. I had a daughter who was a drug addict, and my husband was an alcoholic. We went for help, and all of us wound up in different treatment centers. The counselors told me I was going to treatment because I was codependent, but I knew my problem was men and sex. I had tried to stop my sexual behavior most of my life, and by this time I knew I couldn’t control it. My problem controlled me.

I worked the Al-Anon program one day at a time to control my lust. I continued to flirt with other men. I thought flirting was all right, and my life did seem to be getting better all the time. I didn’t have the highs anymore, but I also didn’t have the lows. However, I was still having some problems with my feelings. I went to a meeting one day and heard about Sexaholics Anonymous. I knew I needed this program, but I was also afraid about what I would have to surrender. I was on an emotional roller coaster the week before the meeting. I went to my first Sexaholics Anonymous meeting and found that my flirting was a high and I would need to stop it if I was to be sexually sober. I also thought masturbation was all right, but I found the program said no. I learned how flirting and masturbation, followed by guilt, had kept me emotionally stirred up and had prevented me from knowing true recovery. When I became willing to let go, God did His part by relieving me of the obsession. Since then, I’ve found that when I’m not working my program, I’m in emotional pain; and when I’m in emotional pain, my old behavior creeps back into my life. But God has given me a way of letting Him take over, and I don’t have to deal with my obsession. He does it for me.

Today God has worked several miracles in my life through the Twelve Step programs of recovery. My husband and I are still married. We understand the balance between taking care of ourselves for our marriage and giving of ourselves to the marriage. We have a relationship with God first because that relationship fills the emptiness we were all so frightened of and searching to fill. With the freedom we’ve found comes the ability to love each other in a new and exciting way. My relationship with my husband, son and daughter is warm and different and growing all the time.

My husband and I went into business to help recovering people. We put everything we had into that venture, both financially and physically. We trusted God to replenish our resources. We both believed in the recovery process offered by Twelve Step programs and were dedicated to helping others find their way to these programs. Our daughter is also in recovery and was involved in our business. Though we have moved on now, the knowledge that we were able to help others for many years is satisfying.

We have three wonderful grandchildren whom we see often. I continue to operate my hairdressing business, perhaps in honor of my grandfather. Our son used to hate me for what I had done. Today he calls me and tells me his problems. I can say that the Twelve Promises have come true for me. My family has grown and developed. Fear of economic insecurity has left me (well, mostly!). We have grown spiritually. What used to be a life of mistrust has fallen away. I have no regrets and look forward to what each day brings. God has removed much of my selfishness and has given me peace in my belief that I will be taken care of and be given exactly what I need for my spiritual growth. My prayers have been answered because I am taking the steps that allow Him to work in my life. I feel that my hopes for finding love and doing good things for others are being fulfilled — one day at a time.