Originally published in ESSAY, December 1991

Shortly after I entered Sexaholics Anonymous some fellow sexaholics mentioned making a “daily contract” for sobriety. During the first few weeks of sobriety I hardly needed a contract. I was so scared and miserable that sobriety was my only option. My second marriage was near an end, my acting out would cause me to quickly lose my job and I simply felt hopeless. When the counselor suggested going to SA, simultaneous waves of cold dread and relief flooded over me.

As I learned that my compulsive fantasizing, masturbation, voyeurism, use of pornography, adulterous affairs and continuous sexualizing were a disease shared with others, I rapidly began to feel better. I vividly remember “surrendering” over and over again to my group, my wife and my very new sense of a Higher Power. The SA Big Book was read and re-read. Using one new paragraph per day of “Overcoming Lust and Temptation” kept me moving along and developed some healthy habits of surrender and casting out lust.

In my recovery readings I saw nothing about a contract for sobriety. I asked a sexaholic with good recovery what he did. He replied that he read a page or two each day in the AA and SA literature and made a contract with his Higher Power for one more day of sobriety. The next day I began to develop what has become my daily contract.

After experimenting with times, I settled on doing my contract alone and out-loud sitting in a chair in the living room. Occasionally I forget and have to do it in the car while driving to work or even while sitting in my office. Over the last twelve years the contract has evolved, although the basic pattern has been the same since the beginning. I start by saying “God, I’m checking in.” Then I say the Serenity Prayer and the first three Steps. Next comes the Third Step prayer from page 63 in the AA Big Book. Often I find myself repeating a line from that prayer until I really mean it – “relieve me from the bondage of self” still loosens my chest every morning.

After that comes the actual contract: “I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself. No sex with any partner other than my wife from now until _________.” Here I always name the next day. This reminds me out loud that my sobriety is a gift only for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

My contract ends with several explicit acts of surrender. They have changed over the years from a detailed list of ways I am powerless over lust to broad categories of my disease. First, I surrender my right to lust in any form and ask God to remove lust from me today in depth. After admitting I am powerless over people pleasing, I surrender my desire to control the behaviors or attitudes of others. Next, I admit I am powerless over women in all their aspects and I surrender to God my right to have contact with women today. I also surrender my right to be sexually responsive at all. Finally I surrender any fantasies or lust images lingering in my mind.

My contract for sobriety ends with the Seventh Step prayer from the AA Big Book. It takes only five minutes or less to do it. Having had days when I forget to do my contract, I can say it is the most important five minutes for my sobriety and recovery each day. This conscious contact with God sets the tone for one more good day — a gift for which I am never sufficiently grateful.