The Hand of Fellowship

Even when cut off from the world, you’re never cut off from recovery.

A few years ago, I wrote an article about my experience sponsoring incarcerated fellows by mail. How different it is now to be one of them! As if I needed further proof that I’m just another “bozo on the bus”! 

My recovery journey started five years ago. I was arrested for my acting-out behaviors and illegal acts of voyeurism. That day, my life shattered, but a new one began not long after. 

The Big Book states, “The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed” (AA, 30). I had deluded myself to such an extent that I believed I could do as I was doing and still operate as a contributing, church-going, and successful member of society. Insanity, indeed! The day my life shattered, my delusion was also smashed. I had reached that point of willingness—that terrifying rock bottom and, subsequently, that blessed window of opportunity. 

I was bailed out of the state jail just as the pandemic reared its ugly head and the world seemed to shut down. Quarantined in my apartment, I told my Higher Power that I was really, truly done (for I’d prayed similar prayers in the past) and that whatever doors He opened for me, I would walk through—no questions asked. 

Over the next few months, several opportunities presented themselves. The most significant was a phone call from a pastor I knew back home (it had been many years since I’d lived in my home state). At the time, I was not taking calls. My case had been made public and torn its way through all my contacts and networks. Ashamed and humiliated, I was one of those who embraced the isolation of social distancing. 

I was skeptical about receiving the call. I certainly welcomed prayers, but I’d offered many in the past to what I felt was no avail. I didn’t realize that “faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice, and unselfish, constructive action” (AA, 93). But I’d made a commitment to walk through any door. 

Our phone call was short and simple. There was prayer, but he also offered to introduce me to someone who could help me. I agreed, and not long after, I received a phone call from a fellow in SA. As he told me his story, I felt like he was telling me about myself. I agreed to phone into a meeting that week. 

That meeting was the first of hundreds more I would phone and Zoom into over the next few years. From the moment I heard the Solution and the Problem, I knew I was where I needed to be. I got a sponsor and began working the Steps. A year and a half later, I would begin taking men through the Steps as well—including our incarcerated fellows. 

After a lifetime of only holding on to three weeks of sobriety at most, I was finally free. I didn’t struggle. When I faced temptation, I had people I could call, and the obsession would vanish. I had a renewal partner I could speak candidly with. During one of the most difficult moments in my life, the Fellowship was there. 

During that time, my bail was exonerated and no charges were filed. I worked my program and worked on my family, gratefully hoping that I’d been ignored by the justice system. I was wrong. 

In 2023 I was rearrested for the same offense from 2020. I was able to bond out, but once again, I watched my life shatter. And again, the Fellowship was there. My sponsor sent out messages asking for experience, strength, and hope (ESH) from any fellows who’d been through the system. Within days, several fellows responded with more ESH than I could even digest! For a full year, unable to attend in-person meetings, I leaned on these connections, along with regular phone and Zoom meetings, to keep me grounded in the Program and focused on HP. 

After a year, I accepted a plea offer and was remanded into custody. I was devastated. Even worse, I was placed in “the hole” for my safety due to some threats from other inmates. Once again, I was alone, and this time, no one could contact me. I was completely cut off from friends, family, and the Fellowship—no one knew where I’d been taken. I was afraid, and self-pity threatened to consume me. 

When afraid, “[w]e ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be” (AA, 68). I determined that He would have me be of service and keep working the Program. So, I encouraged the other men I bunked with and told them about recovery from addiction. I spent a month in the hole before being moved to the main floor. Like a man in need of water, I immediately started trying to get phone numbers and let people know where I was. 

Before I’d even been able to reconnect, I started receiving letters from SA members. That entire month, while I’d felt alone and worried, several members had been searching for me and had already started reaching out. Yet again, the Fellowship was there.

As I write this, I’m a week away from sentencing and facing many years of incarceration. That’s a terrifying thought. But I know what to do with fear: ask Higher Power to remove it and turn my attention to what He would have me be—in this case, another hand of fellowship that’s always there.

Note: If anyone would like to connect with me, they can reach out to CFC for my information. I’m always happy to connect with fellows, both in the system, and out.