I’ve been in this program over three years and still wonder why I still don’t feel entirely comfortable in a room full of men. Before becoming sexually sober, my obsession/compulsion included both heterosexual and homosexual urges. The former produced a great deal of guilt because of taking advantage of a younger sister and later in life taking advantage of women. The latter produced great emotional difficulties as well. Just the thought of having a homosexual leaning produced shame. Then there was the constant fear of falling into such a relationship against my own will. The self-degradation practiced in order to avoid an overt homosexual relationship with another man produced more shame and fear.

Being quite normal physically, I assumed that the homosexual tendency was due to psychological causes, until reading the following on page xxiv of the book Alcoholics Anonymous:

“It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we were sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete.”

Suddenly the awareness came that in addition to my emotional maladjustment there indeed might be a physical component. Being abused by older boys when still a young child introduced sexual eroticism to a maturing nervous system in a homosexual manner. Did that cause a lasting physical conditioning in a way that might not have developed otherwise?

Isolation from God, from my real self, and from other people; emotional immaturity; and a general maladjustment to life repeatedly threatened to provoke the homosexual response compulsively as it did the heterosexual response. Thus, shame, guilt, and fear increased over the years.

The first move in dealing with any problem over which we are powerless seems to be acceptance. I now can accept the physical component of my sexual addiction. The second move is to “bring it to the light” by sharing it with other members of the fellowship. After that I am in a position to begin using the Twelve Steps of our program on this as with any other specific problem.