Tradition Three allows her to stay in SA and receive a life of recovery and growth.

I have been in SA for over eight years now. SA is my home. I’ve been told that I’m not a sexaholic and I don’t need this program. But I’m back today because I decided that Tradition Three states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober–and for that, I qualify. I decided I need constant support to live, and I love the strength and commitment I find in SA meetings. I am in a few Twelve-Step Fellowships, too. But the level of honesty I get to hear and share in SA is what keeps me coming back. As a survivor of ongoing emotional and sexual abuse in childhood and adulthood, I need a robust recovery support network to keep me sane. In SA, I find my people who are committed to personal growth and are willing to go to any length to get it. I can’t do life alone. I need others who are doing the same, so I can share with them and listen to them as they work their program. Thank you, SA, for giving me life!

I’ve been struggling with almost every step of my life. Yes, that is my definition of life. Life is a struggle for a person like me. I’m learning that it is the result of trauma, but I don’t want to be a victim anymore. So, I work on my program and therapy. I am committed to working because I

want to live. I’ve been told, “How do we stop struggling? By surrendering.” God, I can’t; You could; please help me. 

I’ve been struggling for a long time to sit in synagogue. Now, as a woman, according to my

religion, I don’t have to go at all. But I choose to. I want to. I began attending a few years ago, in recovery. But it’s a very slow process. The past two years, I’ve been complaining that although I choose to go, I can’t tolerate sitƫing through the prayers. I’ve brought it up multiple times, saying I know I don’t have to be there, but I want to. 

I had a breakthrough one weekend. I was able to realize my muscles were tight, release them, and I was able to tolerate siƫting in synagogue. Yesterday, siƫting there, I noticed my distorted sexual fantasies coming up! I felt pain. I cried in pain from having these distorted feelings! What a gift! Later that afternoon, I realized what had happened. I was running from the synagogue because of these painful, distorted sexual fantasies that used to come up there. I wasn’t aware of them before; all my body did was want to run. Now, as I’m shedding more layers, I can finally be mindful of the thoughts that cause me so much pain! What a gift! 

Yesterday I cried in pain. But now I’m learning that next time these thoughts come up, I can welcome them: Hi, oh, you are here. Welcome. And then surrender them to G-d: G-d, I can’t handle these thoughts, please take them away. What a gift. Time takes time. Recovery is a slow, long, imperfect process. It does not happen overnight. What I learned is that there is nothing to be ashamed of in my thoughts and feelings. They are just thoughts and feelings. I didn’t create them; they are involuntary. I can recognize them and give them over to G-d. He made them, and He can take them away if I ask Him to.

Another gift of the program is to share with another human being my shameful, crazy thoughts,

questions, and feelings. Shedding light on it kills them. What a powerful tool. It’s painful and hard to disclose my truth, but after sharing it, I get such liberation and freedom. I recently spoke at another Twelve-Step Fellowship, and people were saying, “Wow, such honesty.” And I’m thinking, little do people know the level of honesty I need and have at my SA program. That’s the gift of SA I cherish and appreciate. 

Thank you to everyone who has paved the way ahead of me, whoever is trudging the road alongside me, and all newcomers… I cannot do this program without all of you!