Following the suggestion in the literature to accept outside help when needed was a deeper Step Three that drew her closer to God. 

lW

To write about giving my life to God, I would like to take as a subject one of the less-quoted passages of the Big Book: “If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also.” (AA 87)

I joined SA as a refugee from a strict faith tradition that taught me God was the stereotypical judge, condemning people for the slightest mistake—especially sexaholism. This is not a criticism of any given faith tradition; I have friends and sponsees in many different faiths,  and SA in particular certainly has NO opinion on any of them. But I came from a spiritually damaging background.

However, could I give my will and my life to that kind of God? I began at Step Zero, and worked my way forward. At Step Two, I completed the exercise in Step Into Action. Writing the last column, I found the God of my present understanding—a God who likes me as well as loves me, wants me to be happy, and loves my family. I cried buckets writing that column. I have found a faith tradition today in line with this understanding.

I have had major problems both with sleep and with the text—chat service SA uses. Last night I took the heavy bedtime medicine I have found hard to take. I went to bed at a sensible time, slept a full night peacefully, and woke naturally, early the next morning. 

I gave my whole morning to God. I almost made it to my place of worship. I only circulated meditations and reflections. Not with my head, which has been on board since the 1980s when I joined my first fellowship, but through my deeply emotional heart and soul. I guess this is what they call a spiritual awakening.

I have rearranged a couple of commitments to devote myself to emotional regulation, as recommended medically, with the use of a medical journal I have been given. As the Big Book recommends, I brought my health problems to practitioners, to enable my will to fulfill its finest requirement: aligning itself with God’s will for me, as I understand it.

I am well aware that Step Three, as in the theme, giving my life to God, is only a decision. I took it some years ago after that Step Two chart. These last 2 days have deepened it beyond anything my unaided will could have achieved in 50 years. 

Returning to page 87, I have recommitted to the “definite morning devotion”, to set prayers of my particular faith tradition, and to Step Eleven in general: in the literature, combined experiences of people I have discussed it with, workshops I have attended, and stepwork I have done in three various weekend Step workshops. I am currently on Step Nine with my sponsor, who has been happy with the work I have completed to the best of my ability in Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve over the past 3 years.

I do not know where this will lead. I only know that it feels more real than anything I have known in recovery, up to today. It is often said that, if it can be described, it is not God. This emphatically defeats description, and my only possible response is humble gratitude and passing it on.