People-pleasing and true selflessness were two very different things that were not compatible with each other. 

My understanding of selflessness has changed completely since working the Twelve Steps out of the Big Book. 

I used to think selflessness meant always doing what other people wanted. I rarely shared my own opinions or desires. I tried to become the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I now see that was really driven by fear. I was constantly thinking about what other people thought of me and trying to keep everyone happy with me.

The surprising thing I discovered in recovery is that this was still self-centeredness. My attention was still fixed on myself—how I appeared, whether people liked me, and how to keep everyone happy with me.

The Big Book showed me something very different. It says that selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of our troubles, and tells us, “First of all, we had to quit playing God” (AA 62). I began to see that selfishness isn’t about having preferences or doing things I enjoy. It’s believing I know how life should unfold, how other people should behave, how they should see me, and what the outcome should be.

If selfishness is having a way, then maybe selflessness is not having a way.

That doesn’t mean becoming passive or making others happy at all times. The Third Step doesn’t ask me to turn my will and my life over to the care of other people. It asks me to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.

Today, instead of asking, “What do I want?” or even, “What will make everyone else happy?” I try to ask, “God, what is the most loving and healthy thing to do right now?”

Sometimes the answer is sacrifice. Sometimes it means setting aside what I would prefer so I can be of service to my family, my friends, or those I sponsor. But sometimes the loving thing isn’t what other people want at all. Sometimes love requires disappointing someone.

For example, if my son wants to spend the day at the zoo, but I have a physical therapy appointment, it might appear more selfless to cancel my appointment and take him instead. But if going to physical therapy helps me heal so I can continue to care for him well in the future, then keeping that appointment may actually be the more loving choice. Selflessness isn’t about pleasing people; it’s about seeking God’s direction.

I’ve found that this way of living brings tremendous freedom. I don’t have to force my way, nor do I have to live according to everyone else’s expectations. My responsibility is simply to seek God’s will as honestly as I can and trust Him with the results.

When I first came into recovery, I thought selflessness meant losing myself. Instead, I’ve discovered that it means being relieved of the bondage of self. I have become less occupied with getting my way or managing everyone else’s opinion of me, and more available to God. From that place, love seems to come much more naturally. And for me, that has been one of the greatest freedoms the Twelve Steps have given.