Our White Book says, “I got a sponsor (a friend in the program to help me work the Steps) and began working on me.” (SA 23) As a sexaholic, I need to find right relations with others and God, and where best to start but with my sponsor, who can mirror back recovery and help me with the Twelve Step program.

The section Getting an SA Sponsor (SA 72-75) is one of my favorite passages. I need an SA sponsor! I need to share exactly what is going on with me—with someone who fully understands lust addiction and sexual sobriety as defined by SA—in order to let go of my old destructive behaviors and patterns, and break through into recovery, connection, and healing.

I need to call someone BEFORE I decide to do something stupid … not after. Without SA sponsorship, I would not be able to stay sober or work the SA program.

Coming from another Twelve Step program, I found it difficult to surrender: “Many of us had to begin all over again as though we had never heard of the Steps.’’ (SA 81) When I asked for sponsorship, I stayed sober. I changed sponsors a few times and am grateful for the lessons learned. I was advised that sponsorship and working the Steps was not enough: I had to make calls, commit to my group, be part of and attend meetings regularly and on time and, when ready, be willing to serve. I was asked to develop a relationship with a Higher Power, a God of my own understanding. I was learning to relax being with my fellow sexaholics.

The advice in this same section— that getting a sponsor with the same particular forms of acting out does not seem to matter as much as the sponsor who is incorporating the principles— is helpful to me. And when I saw a member who had what I wanted, a man who wanted to help the next sex-drunk, who loved sexaholics, I was attracted to that and asked for help with the steps.

This is my favorite section in the White Book—so here it is in its entirety:
“Wise sponsors know they can’t carry the sexaholic; they can only carry the message of their own recovery. Thus they do not get involved in giving advice and bearing responsibility for the other person. Likewise, we do not become dependent on the sponsor in the way we were with parents, spouses, lovers, or even professionals. The goal of a good sponsor is the eventual independence and spiritual and emotional maturity of the individual—to help the person start walking the right path in the right direction. The wise sponsor will also let the person know that their relationship alone is not enough. The person is going to have to make his or her connection with the group and become part of.” (SA 74, bold print added)

The line in bold is a guiding light for me. For some time in SA I struggled with misplaced dependency, was over-enthusiastic, overbearing, and controlling. Imagine that! Fear was controlling me. These were big issues for me. I recall once, a member gently calling me to one side saying, “Oh, can’t you leave a bit for God to do?” I listened, thank God.

Working the Steps and studying the Traditions with my sponsor prepared me to carry the SA message through service. Service for me, although challenging at times, is a learning process, rewarding and very beneficial for my recovery. “It is everyone’s business … as inheritor in it all, to give his portion to the rest; for we are one family, with God at the head and heart of it …” (George MacDonald, The Fellowship of Sobriety SA 171) Here too I am not alone, I seek help and support from my sponsor and others.

Offering sponsorship by reaching out to the man who still suffers is something that I would not like to have missed. “We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back.” (SA 62) I don’t have to know all the answers and again; I can reach out to my sponsor and others to help me with sponsoring. When listening to a member’s Fifth Step we read this section together, “praying for a listening ear and an understanding heart.” (SA 113) This is a special time.

Perhaps most importantly, sponsorship encourages me to seek connection with the One who keeps me sober. “… letting God in through every temptation, emotion, difficulty, success, failure, sadness and joy. True union with the Source of our lives.” (SA 141)

One day at a time, what a wonderful spiritual adventure! Thank God for SA, and thanks to all of you for being a special part of it.