Watch What God Does

In response to the previous ESSAY edition, I wanted to share the following. I once asked Roy K. what he boiled recovery down to. He answered without hesitating, looking me right in the eye. “Stay sober, work your steps, and watch what God does.”

I’ve never forgotten this and have passed Roy’s words on to anyone who has asked the same question.

A six-word variation on this I had heard for years, with the third couplet being “do service.” But here Roy seemed to be saying, as you come out of hiding behind your addiction and cooperate with God’s process, expect Him to move in your life and welcome His transformation of you.

I took Roy’s words also to mean that I don’t have to do anything to convince God to help me or to earn His favor. I can just sit back and observe Him bring about the changes in me that flow naturally from my willingness to let go and let Him be in charge, a day at a time.

These wise and simple words remain tucked in my mind and heart, and I’m grateful to have received them from someone who believed them so deeply and lived them fully.

David Changed Everything For Me

I loved the issue on “Sober Living, Sober Dying” and wanted to add something about David M. I have always been ashamed of acting out with men, of being attracted to men. I did everything I could to cover up what I had done sexually. I tried to appear to be masculine to avoid arousing suspicion in others. I hated the questions about whether I had been married or had children. Being asked if I was dating was enough to make me sweat. I dated women to see if I could make it work. I couldn’t make those relationships work.

So here I was. I had been in SA for over seven years. I had less than one year of sobriety. I went to a one day conference in Sacramento. One of the breakout meetings presented me with a life changing experience. I should say one man, David M., presented me with a life-changing experience. About 25 men sat in a circle. I can’t remember anything about the meeting except what David shared. I had been exposed to a lot of the original members of SA. What David shared changed everything for me.

David shared that he had lusted in meetings. I could understand that. I had too. Then David said he had lusted in the meeting we were part of. I looked around the room. We were all men. I was shocked. David could plainly and directly share about something I thought was taboo, forbidden. There were no women. There was no mistaking what David said. There was also no mistaking that he had true humility. He wasn’t in the meeting to dazzle us. He was there to grow in recovery, to practice the solution, to deepen his relationship with God and with the other men in the room. He was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. He was willing to expose his weakness. He could have shared one of the highlights of his recovery, but he was vulnerable enough to share an embarrassing weakness.

David gave me what I had wanted all my life. Another man to tell me he was just like me. David had more education. He was charismatic. He was a brilliant thinker and writer. It would be hard for me to identify with any of those qualities. By telling the group the truth about himself David gave me a model, and example. I could tell the truth about myself. Somehow, I was convinced David loved me because I was part of the group he shared part of himself that I could identify with.

That was 29 years ago. I still feel awful when I admit to some experience of lust for men. Usually I regret saying anything. What usually happens is someone will whisper that he was the same problem. Sometimes men ask me to tell them whether they are gay or not. Others admit things they have never told another person. David gave me the example. He taught me how to appropriately share about shameful things in a way that could help others. David’s life was proof that, as the promises say, “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”