Courage to be changed

I came to Sexaholics Anonymous 4 years ago. Before that I had no idea I was an addict. Daily suicidal thoughts were the last straw. After acting out I didn’t feel good; I just felt strong pain and had no idea what to do or how I could help myself. I was praying that God would give me the way out from my obsession.

Then I read a story on the internet from an SA woman from somewhere and identified with it, that I too was addicted to lust. When I came to a meeting and listened to members’ shares, I could not believe that they were suffering from the same things as me. My first feeling was, “I am home. I can be myself here and tell the truth, little by little.” After three months in the program I could feel in my heart that I didn’t want to act out anymore.

Being sober I realized that I wanted to have more than just sobriety; I also wanted to work on the Steps. Inspired by one of the sisters in SA, I decided to join Russian-speaking SA meetings and to search for a sponsor there. At that time, there were only a few SA sober sisters in my country so there was little choice.

I studied Russian at school, but had never spoken it after graduation. Without knowing the language very well, I took courage and gave it a try because I really wanted to change my life and get on the Path of Recovery. I joined the Russian-speaking fellowship then with the help of google translate. Those times I prayed for the courage to try, and trusted my Higher Power that it would work out. It wasn’t easy and I thank God that He heard me and found a sponsor who believed we could successfully work together on the Steps.

Step by step with the help of online translation I started to work with a Russian sponsor because my desire was greater than my fears. I was afraid all the time—I made mistakes in writing, I tried to speak but also made many mistakes. Despite my fears, I still went on with it.

Working on Step 4 with a sponsor helped me to realize that I have always been “a victim.” I constantly found myself in situations where others were guilty, not me. I blamed others that they hurt me, looked at me wrong, told me wrong. Pain and accusations—that’s what I wanted and what my illness wanted. When my sponsor recommended that I pray and reflect on how to best move on from my precious victimhood, I did not want to hear it—I was angry. However after our talk I prayed a lot that God would show me if I was a victim.

And God showed me that I had always sought the role of victim. I prayed so much then that He would help me to drop my sense of victimhood and move on in life; I needed His help; I knew I couldn’t do it myself. I cried like a child. It felt like something inside me was breaking; that God was breaking down the frozen walls around my precious sense of victimhood and showing me a way out. I wanted with all my heart to stop blaming others because I was tired of living with it. Surrender gave me the courage to let go. Now, today, I have decided that I am no longer a victim and I ask God each time I am tempted to say, “No” to the temptation to victimhood. I have a choice today: to be a victim or not, to trudge the Road of Happy Destiny or to go back to the dark, depressing state of perpetual victimhood. I prefer light, joy, and freedom today.

It took a lot of humility to admit my character defects. Thanks to the work on Steps 4 through 7, I dared to admit that I am a selfish, dishonest, and controlling person. Every time I choose the solution, I gain an inner freedom, and the courage to admit that I am a sick person getting well, not a bad person getting good. I am a loved daughter of God.

Again, my desire for recovery was greater than my fears of making amends at Step Nine. A particular amend I had to make was to pay for a random person’s purchases in a random shop. I had a big fear of doing this and kept putting it off for a long time because I had no idea how I could do it. But I had to face my fears and do it if I wanted to be free, and no one could do it for me. One Sunday I set out to make the amend. I was full of fears. I continued praying that God would give me the courage, because this amend seemed so impossible for me. I had never been in a situation like this before. I had always preferred to take from people than to give. I passed by two shops and I couldn’t do anything. When I stopped at a third one, I told myself: “God, give me the courage; my fear is stronger than my will to do what I have to, but You can help me. I don’t know how to go about this. Just give me the courage and the right situation.” And the funny thing is, it all happened so fast! God gave me a person whom I could approach and offer to pay for his purchases. I made the amend with His involvement. The man gave me a big hug and said this was a miracle for him, that no one had ever done anything so kind for him before.

It is a miracle how God encourages my desire for bold change. I do not want to live in the past anymore, feeding myself—poisoning myself—off dark memories. I am alive today in a new way; happy, joyous and free, and I believe that God will give me even more courage to help me along the Path of the Recovery.