I have been addicted to lust since the age of 14. I was in therapy twice, but I never spoke the truth. I have had several miracle experiences in my life (one really BIG) with my Higher Power, but my HP was judgmental and I feared admitting my addiction to anyone. I tried the white-knuckle method once each year by ridding the computer of porn stash, but I didn’t stop the fantasy and sex with self every day. I was treated for prostate cancer in 2011, but found that I started crossing lines faster, and began acting out with other people. I finally found a good therapist, and started to tell the truth about my addiction. I was advised to start a 12-step program, but I didn’t act on it. Three months later, the FBI visited my house. I started going to SA five days later. Later that year I was charged with child pornography possession and transmission and was sentenced to six years in prison.

In August of 2016, I entered prison. The first three months were frightening. There were lots of threats from some inmates and officers. I attended weekly religious services. It took a long time to arrange for mail, email capability, and visiting permission for my wife and SA members. However, I was finally able to receive and respond to letters. I started getting monthly visits from SA members in San Diego. My SA sponsor and 3 other SA members received permission to visit me. Things started to look up.

In late 2016, I received bad news from home. I walked the prison track cursing G-d. “Why do this to my family; I was the person at fault!” Shortly after that, I started experiencing increasingly “coincidental” positive events over the next month, including opportunities to help others; I began to believe that my HP was involved. I requested to work in the prison library, and I was offered a job, which I maintained for the next 3 years. That Thanksgiving, my wife was surprised by some 7th tradition financial help from the San Diego SA Intergroup. I was deeply touched. I wrote a letter to the San Diego fellowship to thank them for their unexpected help. This help continued periodically a number of times afterwards. 

Eric S, the CFC Chairman, read my thank-you letter at the next SA International Convention. He wrote that the CFC contribution was the largest one ever. It brought me to tears that I could be of service even while locked up behind razor wire. I vowed to pay it forward somehow.

I continued my work in the prison library. My job was to take a cart from unit to unit picking up books left by inmates. I would take them back to the library and restock the shelves. I started taking book requests from other inmates – some of whom previously wouldn’t talk to me — and delivering them in person.  During this time, I learned how to patiently surrender and called prison, my “Surrender University.”  I helped inmates who were sick, to learn to be patient with their treatment. I was told about an unsanctioned “S” 12 step meeting weekly, and started attending regularly. In our recovery meeting, we were 6 to 10 inmates from the SA, SAA, and SLAA programs. We were able to continue until the location area was closed for other reasons. 

In early 2020, the Covid epidemic hit immediately after a pan-prison Scabies epidemic. My health condition made me very vulnerable to COVID. I was housed in a small dorm with 100 inmates packed into 50 2-level bunkbeds. In April 2020, my wife hired an attorney to petition for “compassionate release” because my health was fragile. After many letters of petition from my wife, my lawyer and myself, I was finally given an order for immediate medical release on the last Saturday of June in 2020. On receiving the news, my wife and son jumped into their car and rushed north to the prison. After much “rude bum’s rush, hurry up and wait” from staff officers, I found something to wear to replace the khaki stuff I’d worn for 4 years, and walked out from the barbed and razor wire into the arms of my wife. My sentence was terminated 2 years early, and my 10 year term of Federal Supervised Release began.

Upon arriving home, I found that I would be under house arrest, and required to wear an ankle monitor. I would be allowed to go to medical appointments, and thank G-d, I could attend SA meetings and participate in the fellowship. I started taking a number of service positions with CFC internationally and locally. It takes a hell of a lot of surrender and courage to admit your weaknesses and limitations, including the need to be perfect, to be liked and to be accepted as being “part of”. It has also taken courage just to begin to admit in my deepest emotional level that I’m a sexaholic and always will be. I am grateful to G_d and to the SA fellowship that they were present with me through my prison days. Their support is still with me while I grow to a place of acceptance. Surrender, acceptance, the Steps, and the rest of the program are moment to moment. If I do my part, my Higher Power partner is always there giving me the courage I lacked before.