Overcoming Addiction and Betrayal to Rebuild Love, Trust, and Purpose.

When I attended my first SA meeting in May 2021, I was totally immersed in lust and had already lost almost everything.

The problem began when my father abandoned us. My mother had to go out to work, leaving me alone with my little brother. Then, my mother married an alcoholic and violent man, twice her age, but with a good job. My childhood was hell. I suffered humiliation, violence, hunger, abandonment, economic deprivation, and sexual abuse by my stepfather. I dreamed that a charming prince would come to rescue me one day. While I isolated myself from the world, I discovered masturbation to escape my reality.

Then during my adolescence, I discovered I enjoyed male attention—I felt pretty, accepted, and loved. I also preferred to be at school studying in the library rather than at home. I was ashamed of the life I had because of my stepfather’s alcoholism.

When I was 15 years old, my stepfather died, and it was another leap to “freedom.” I got my first boyfriend. He was much older than me and always asked me for “proof of love,” but I was afraid of getting pregnant. During this relationship, I met another man, more handsome and kinder. We became a couple, but I felt bad for having two boyfriends. When I ended the first relationship, I confessed to him that I had another boyfriend. He got very angry and slapped me hard. It hurt my soul because no one had ever hit me quite like that. 

At 20, I secretly married this second boyfriend, whom I thought was my charming prince. I fell deeply in love, but I continued flirting with other men and even ended up acting out with some of them. When I was still in college, my first daughter was born, and my husband had a near-fatal accident. Neither stopped me from my active acting out. At 28, my second child was born and became seriously ill. I thought God was punishing me for being unfaithful. That was the first time I promised to change, but I couldn’t keep that promise. I didn’t know how to stop. 

My husband caught me being unfaithful several times, but I asked for forgiveness and promised not to do it again. One time, he became so angry that he beat me, kicked me out of the house, and told the whole family what kind of woman I was. I was left on the street, without my family, money, or a job, and all I could think about was acting out with my lover at the time. However, I also felt deep sadness.

I went to a psychologist, and he told me that my acting-out behavior was normal and that he would only support me with the losses I had endured. Then, I went to a psychiatrist, who prescribed medication, but that didn’t help me. Finally, I found SA on the Internet and attended my first meeting. There were only men, but they treated me with respect, didn’t judge me, and understood me. I identified with many fellows, attended many meetings, but I still couldn’t stop.

Then one day, I heard a song about a father abandoning his daughter, and it made me cry. I felt like I was trading my children for lust, and I wanted to change my heart. I found a compassionate sponsor and started working the Steps. The first thing she suggested was to change my phone number and delete the numbers of the people I acted out with. She also suggested I delete dating apps and get rid of my provocative clothes. Giving up the things I liked was the most painful thing I went through. I even cried many nights for the people I wouldn’t see again and for the clothes I would never wear again. 

I returned home still resentful against my husband for hitting me, while he faced criticism and the fury of his family, who told him not to forgive me. My children rejected me—I could feel the hatred in their eyes. My sponsor told me that I had to take loving actions with my husband, my children, and my in-laws. I had to recognize their virtues and kneel to ask God to help me see them as His beloved children. It was very difficult for me, but I did it. My husband joined S-Anon and started working his program. 

Everything changed. Now, I can see my husband as a wonderful person who loves me, supports me in everything, and respects me. I accept people with their flaws and appreciate their virtues. It hurt me a lot to know how much damage I caused with my sexaholism. I had exchanged everything for nothing. Now, with the Program, I can be tolerant and patient with all people. I’m working to re-establish true connection with God and with the people around me. I no longer want to continue with lust. I respect my body as a sacred temple of God. There are days when temptation appears, and I think about the disappointment it would cause to my children, my husband, my sisters in SA, and myself. It also helps me a lot to re-read my list of reasons to give up lust. I think about God and ask Him to help me because I can’t do it alone. I know that sex is optional and that men are not objects that I can use when I feel like it. They are human beings and deserve respect. 

I thank God for guiding me to this Fellowship of the Spirit. And I thank all my fellows for teaching me a different way of life, free from lust.