She often forgets that being happy happens on the inside and not on the outside.

I often tell newcomers, so they know it is part of the process, that it is okay to feel the pain of quitting lust. I also tell them that it is not me who stopped or quit lust. It was my Higher Power and the company of SA’s women´s meetings that I stayed abstinent and didn’t commit any harm to myself. Even though I was abstinent, I wasn’t sober because I was thinking: “Will I ever find love? Why did I end up in SA? I want to be a corporate manager again.” It was important to me who I was on social media, all on the outside. I wanted all these things to show off. I often asked myself, “If I stayed sober, would I look as happy as people do on Instagram posts?” Well, it turns out that no! It’s not even close!

It wasn’t until my second arrival to SA in 2024 that I surrendered my will, and I discovered a positive sobriety. I surrendered that “I was powerless over lust and that my life had become unmanageable.”(Step One) As I continued working through the Steps, I learned that I was no longer in charge. Oh dear! Giving up my will to somebody else? Before SA, my will was all I ever knew, acting out and boys were my obsession and Higher Power. That was why the outcome was a disaster.

When I worked the Steps with honesty, opening up wholeheartedly to my sponsor, and allowing my Higher Power to take my whole life, I reached sobriety. To my surprise, there was a “positive sobriety,” and it was nothing as I imagined. Celebrating my birthday at the beach with my family, not wanting to act out, and feeling calm was something I could not envision. Before SA, I was constantly feeling like I was missing out on living my best life. All my identity was lust, and finding myself outside of it was the biggest challenge to me. I realized that having a normal life without hectic moments, drama, and lust was possible. My sobriety now is attending meetings, working on the translations for ESSAY, being sponsored and being a sponsor, work, family, teaching, and all that keeps me closer to my Higher Power as I conceive Him.

Positive sobriety doesn’t mean I´m happy all the time. I’m actually writing these words with wonder and fear, but I have decided to do the Step work, to be honest, and to trust God. Not all days are good, but I HAVE BETTER DAYS NOW THAN WHEN I WAS OUTSIDE SA. I’m closer to my Higher Power as I work through the Steps, and I know that this is the true road to happiness.

I live each day knowing that I’m held by God. He wants the best of me in each aspect of my life, even though some days, I fail to believe it. I have decided to continue to do the work because I finally know what the “positive” in sobriety is. Now that I have experienced it, I do not want to let it go.