2009

Originally published in Essay, December 2009

I had been in the program for several years before I finally met Roy K. I remember Roy’s passion for spreading in his conversations as well as his writing the message, his courage, and his principles.

I joined SA in 1984, a few months after breaking up with a fellow who had been my “lover.” I was consumed by fears: would I start having sex with people without telling them I was infected with AIDS? In desperation I prayed, “Please help me, Lord!” Not long after those desperate prayers, I “happened” to overhear another same-sex-attracted man talking very loudly in public. He shared that he was a member of a new Twelve Step sexual abstinence program that advised complete mental and sexual abstinence for lust and sex addicts. It was called Sexaholics Anonymous.

I had never heard of lust discussed as an addiction, like alcohol or illegal drugs. I joined this new program and was told that I would have to stop lusting. Paradoxically, the wording of SA’s Step One reflected how impossible that would be: “We admitted that we were powerless over lust—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

I considered that the sobriety definition—no sex with self or anyone other than a heterosexual marriage partner—would be impossible for me. I was right. By then, I had become consumed with lust. I could have never stopped on my own. Fortunately, I kept coming back. I found that with the help of God and others, it is not impossible. But it was difficult, and to stay sober, I needed the help of the recovering men and women whom God placed in recovery with me.

After only a few years of working the Steps and sharing with others, I began to realize something very surprising: I was getting far more real love and acceptance in the meetings than I had ever gotten in my sexual relationships. It took me a few years before I recognized the wisdom of my program’s definition of sexual sobriety. During these struggles, Roy loved me and others enough to tell the truth, even when it was unpopular. He did what God called him to do. He kept reiterating SA’s bottom line and insisted that the sobriety definition applied to men and women of all backgrounds. Today, I have found this to be true for myself.

Roy did more for me than I can possibly express. Many wonderful blessings came my way when I finally learned to surrender to this program, surrender my lust, and work the Steps in SA.