Surrender. I was too strong for that. Too many people were counting on my strength. Too many people would be horrified and hurt if they knew what I had done. So many lies in those few thoughts.

Until there could be no more denial. My world of cards came crashing down. The reality of Step One. I had to admit I was weak, powerless. I needed someone to know me. I needed honesty, and exposure, truth, and light. I needed a bigger God. It wasn’t just God, but His people, I needed.

I had confessed my struggle with pornography before to men I viewed as more spiritual than me. Men I believed could help me turn on the lights. There was always an excuse. Well-intended pep talk of men, like “thorns in the flesh,” “Just keep asking for forgiveness,” “God’s mercy is sufficient.” But the pressure kept building and building. The acting out kept increasing.

Then I confessed my utter failure and addiction to pornography. I opened the doors to my dark closet and let light in. After discussing the wisdom of disclosure with my sponsor, I answered some of my wife’s questions in a general way. She nor my pastor nor my sponsor ran away. I had been so naive for so long.

There was comfort in coming clean, in telling my story. It hurt. I cried over it more than I probably ever cried over anything. It felt that way at least. But I found that God surrounded me with people who actually loved me. Broken, hurting, needy – me.