I had many friends, a loving family and a caring wife. But all this was not enough. I wanted others to see that I was confident and knowledgeable. Wanting people to only see what I wanted them to see. Yet in the quiet moments I felt alone. My thoughts and actions of lust separated me from those relationships.

“Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.” (SA 203)

Fear crept into my life. What if people really knew me on the inside? Seeing what I was really like. I was sure they would reject me. Then I would really be alone. These thoughts compounded the feelings of separation and fear.

Other people didn’t seem to have the same struggle that I was facing. In comparing myself with others, I knew that I didn’t measure up. They had it together while I fumbled along. I felt inadequate for the task of life. To cope, I lived in a fantasy world which put me as the star of the show. I tried to live life on my terms but always came up short. SA showed me there was something different. There was a spirit of openness and honesty. People were actually bringing out their inside world.

“When we came to SA, we found that in spite of our differences, we shared a common problem—the obsession of lust, usually combined with a compulsive demand for sex in some form. We identified with one another on the inside.” (SA 1)

For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. The outside of my life wasn’t what was important. I could actually expose the roots of my spiritual emptiness because others were exposing theirs. The more I connected with others in the group and my Higher Power, the more of the dreadful load of self was removed.

Today I am learning to live a sober, authentic life. Connecting in relationship with others and my Higher Power. My outsides are finally reflecting what is going on inside.