When I was three, I had to stay at the hospital due to pneumonia while my parents couldn’t be there with me, which was quite a traumatic experience. I knew the “touching game” from the nursery and knew it was a nice feeling.

My mum caught me a few times when I was masturbating and got very angry. So I started hiding it from others. When I was 13, my father touched me inappropriately. He also offered to look through porn magazines together, which, he said, was a kind of sexual education. I got exposed to in appropriate touchers, exhibitionists, and rapists many times.

Masturbation had turned into a big problem by the time I became an adolescent. The therapists I was referred to said that it was normal among young people and that I felt bad because I was too religious. This didn’t solve my problem. I became suicidal and tried to take my own life many times.

After I got married in my late 20s, I had a gap in masturbating for a couple of years. I was happy that I’d been cured. But it wasn’t for long.

About five years ago, I found a group on Facebook for people suffering from depression and anxiety. Soon, we started sex-chatting, which lasted for two years. I was doing things for them which I’d never done before. I realized I was a prisoner in my head.

I became desperate to seek help. The next counselor told me I’m a sex addict. That was a shock to me. I knew I had a problem but an addiction? Soon after that, in Nov 2018, I found a local SA meeting.

After a couple of months I was still acting out—lost and locked in the world in my head. I thought I was happy, but in reality I was completely powerless over lust. I was dying inside—I lost all my faith, hope, enthusiasm and willingness. I left SA.

After three months I came back. I took that first step into the unknown and the feelings did follow. I got my faith, hope, enthusiasm, and willingness back. I’m blessed in many ways today and grateful for every positive and negative experience. They were all needed so I could grow. I see the difference in my attitude towards sobriety and recovery.

Whereas the first time around I was in touch mostly with male fellows, I find it easier this time to be in contact with the women. It is exciting because each of us is different, comes from a different country, culture, and has a unique experience of addiction. Today I pray to God to show me “what I can offer to others.” I want to give what I’ve received, instead of crying for what I’ve lost or that I have only a little. There is always someone who has nothing. By doing service and sponsoring newcomers I can share my skills, my experience, strength, and hope with others.

Thinking of tomorrow doesn’t work for me, so I try to focus on today, without looking into the future—it’s too far away. Giving my life and my will over to the care of God is the only way to experience visible and permanent changes in my life. Today, I put my Higher Power first because I do believe that “when God is first, everything else is in its right place.”