I brought a friend into the program, and encouraged her to feel free to share anything with her sponsor. She said, “Anything?” And I answered, “Yes, anything and everything.” Then I shared more of my experience, strength, and hope with her. She asked if I could be her sponsor. Considering our friendships had its ups and downs over the years, and we were just reconnecting, I thought it would be wiser to help her find someone else. This would allow her to be completely open without the fear of offending them.

Because of her breakthroughs, she in turn brought in two close relatives into the rooms. I had no idea that she struggled like me, much less that those two others did also. Imagine that—both of us thinking we had a deep friendship, yet each of us struggling and trying to hide our pain. During the time our friendship was the most strained, we each thought the other didn’t care about the friendship anymore.

In reality, it is the things that I hold back that are killing me. Those things are like a spiritual clot that blocks me from free-flowing communication with God. Just like a physical clot in the veins can paralyze or kill, a spiritual blockage works just the same.

When I do the Step 4 inventory, I start dissolving the clots so that the pain can be replaced with healing. Then daily Step 10 inventories prevent new clots from forming and multiplying. The turbulent flow in my mind becomes less severe. I am not always happy facing my character defects in Step 10. That’s why the last part of it, “resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help,” is a lifesaver for me. By yanking my attention toward helping someone else, I am relieved from beating myself up.

Rigorous honesty with Higher Power in meditation, with myself in self-examination, and with others in the fellowship keep me functioning and happy in my recovery.