For me, sexual lust started as a simple game that I played with the kid next door. I never imagined that such a game could develop into a “way of life.” My family paid more attention to my beautiful, smart sister, and to attract their attention, I started stealing from them to get more attention. This didn’t work. I didn’t know how to say, “I’m here! See me! Love me! I need my father to hold me!” 

I remember a family trip to Alexandria (in Egypt) when I began to fantasize about a life where I was loved and cared for. I started to dress provocatively to become visible and steal people’s looks. I wanted to be the most beautiful and lovable girl. That’s how I started to lust.

In my drive to feel wanted, I met a young man who respected me and seemed to love and care for me. It wasn’t enough, though, because I wanted to be seen and have power. I left him and got involved with a neighborhood gang member. Now I felt visible and powerful, and I was recognized by other men. I thought I was happy starting a life I thought I wanted, but I was disappointed again. At first, I thought I’d finally found home and I’d be seen and valued from here on in. But I soon became focused on lust and drugs. 

But lust took me over, erupted like a volcano inside my soul, and I became very promiscuous. The euphoria wasn’t enough, though, because I still craved visibility, power, and control. I ended up crossing many boundaries (including gender and species) in order to transform myself from the weak girl I felt like into some sex goddess. Though I failed in school, I took pride in succeeding with lust. I was the queen sitting on her throne of lust. Lust gave me visibility, made me strong, and put me in control. But it was never enough, I had to go deeper and explore every aspect of this sex-drunk life.

I finally managed to graduate from high school and got accepted into university. Here, I met international students and used the language of lust to communicate with them. We all understood its language; it worked incredibly well. I learned that lust is the world’s language, and one’s age, education, or faith cannot of itself overcome its power.

Lust brought a sense of certainty that no one could reject me anymore. I spared nothing in my devotion to lust, which eventually convinced me to marry. I married a man, came to think I owned him, and decided then that he was not enough, so I divorced him and continued my life of lust. Lust accompanied me everywhere, even ironically on my trip to the Holy Land. I couldn’t live without it. Lust was what I worshiped.

By some miracle, I recognized I had a problem and began to look for a solution. But the problem couldn’t be with me, it had to be external, other people, places, or things. Around that time, I decided to quit my job and return to school. Surprise, surprise! Lust was still there. When I got a new job, lust was there, too! I tried therapy, but the addict in me didn’t want to give up lust, so I tried to seduce my therapist. My inner addict told me, “Lust is the solution; life without lust is the problem.”

I felt I was going insane, so I decided to take my life just to finally be free — free from home and especially from my controlling father. But even suicide didn’t work for me. 

Around the same time I decided I had to stop, I met a man from another twelve-step program. He became my higher power, and I really thought I had found the answer, but my lust had other plans for me. That became a codependent relationship (driven by lust), and I thought I was alive—because of him. My addict told me I was getting what I most craved from this man, love and acceptance. He was the father I never had. He was the master and I was his minion. I offered myself to him to build with me and to do with me as he willed. Unfortunately, the man died, leaving me in utter despair.

Joining SA was the beginning of the Solution for me. I still remember my first face-to-face meeting. My mind was full of questions and fears and doubt. At first, I thought I was only supposed to stop acting out with others, that I could still engage in pornography and masturbation. I didn’t understand the SA sobriety definition yet, especially the part about progressive victory over lust. 

When I hit my bottom, I announced in a meeting that I was not sober and I would have to start right there and then from square one. I worked the steps and learned how to surrender all of my lust — in fact, how to surrender my whole self. When I joined SA, there were no women there, so I had to work with a male sponsor. Surrender was our shield against temptation. He showed me the path of recovery and taught me how to make amends.

Now after more than six years in the Program, I have learned that lust can take many forms. It can drive me to be the best meeting leader or Super Sponsor! It can drive me to compare myself to other women in SA. I realized these things when I got sexually sober by the SA definition. But my lust develops in other ways as my recovery grows. Lust tried to make me codependent on my sponsor, but I know better now. 

Today, I simply work the Steps and give up my right to act in my character defects. Lust is cunning, patient, and powerful, and it can appear in any form if I let go of my Program. My lust has no boundaries and drives me to capture anyone in its trap — fellows members, sponsors, therapists, family, coworkers. Only the power of a loving Higher Power can expel lust out of my soul! 

Living sober from lust is unbelievably rewarding. I’m now part of the larger SA family and help to carry the message of recovery. Although I don’t speak English, my loving, caring, and ever-present Higher Power has sent me an SA colleague to help me with language barriers. 

Recovery and continuous surrender help me accept that I need outside help in many areas. Through recovery and consistent surrender, I have learned to keep an open mind and an open ear. I am so grateful today that I am able to work on my resentments and fears instead of numbing their effects by sexually acting out. I am able to see myself as a woman, worthy of love and acceptance. I am no longer alone and no longer enslaved by lust! 

I am a SOBER, happy, joyful and FREE Sexaholic!

Discussion Topic

How is your progressive victory over lust going today?

​​The author of this article describes in detail how lust took over her entire life from childhood onwards. Lust influenced the way she dressed; affected how she behaved at school and university; destroyed her marriage; and even drove her to a suicide attempt.

Understanding our full sobriety definition was a gradual process for her. But when she hit her bottom, she started working the Steps and to surrender all of her lust—and her whole self.

How is your progressive victory over lust today? Are you experiencing the unbelievably rewarding adventure of living sober from lust?

Have you come to see how lust can take many forms in your life and has no boundaries? Are you experiencing the power of a loving Higher Power that expels your lust if you ask Him?

Will you use this article for a discussion topic at your home group?

Send a story of your own recovery journey to essay@sa.org.