He learned boundaries that allowed him to share safely and listen attentively. 

There is a time to speak and a time to listen. I had to relearn how to talk and listen in the rooms in order to stay in the Fellowship and keep working the Steps. When I first came to the rooms, I was brash and egotistical. My unhelpful shares were full of platitudes of SA sayings and advice to think positively. Afterwards, I would wait for applause or a smiling emoji. When I failed to get any response, I would drift into self-pity and fear of rejection. Alternatively, when I listened to others’ shares, I judged them harshly. I would critique their share on how positive their message was, if there was a logical progression, or if it was funny. I was not open-minded, so I learned little and criticized even more as the years passed.

The following sayings helped me create healthy boundaries to share and listen more effectively.

“Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH).” In the beginning, my shares were primarily based on what I knew, but eventually, I learned to share what I lived: how I applied the Steps to the everyday challenges of life. I noticed my shares related to people and my perspective became practical.

 “Bring the message to the meeting and the mess to my sponsor.” I find safety in confiding my very personal problems with just a few people. On a few occasions, I shared problems with the group and felt terrible afterwards. I was fearful of rejection and felt discouraged when I didn’t receive any advice. Now, when I feel vulnerable and my emotions are raw, I speak to my sponsor, who guides me towards acceptance and gives his practical advice (ESH) on how he faced a similar problem. Now, when I feel more comfortable discussing the issue with the group, I will briefly surrender the issue in vague terms, and I would continue to discuss the mess with my sponsor in full detail.

“As we came to see that we shared a common problem, we also came to see that for us, there is a common solution—the Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship….” (SA 2). As I have heard from others, I am part of the “WE” (AA 17) of SA who are bound by a common problem and solution. I had to accept that everyone walks along this path of recovery with their own unique life experience and pace. Some have walked great distances while others are just beginning. I am learning to listen to other people’s stories and find the common thread that links us together. I hear my story in their story, no matter the length of sobriety or gender. Now, I judge less and learn more.

I am so grateful to be part of the  Fellowship. I have the opportunity to both receive and give support to others. The Fellowship helped me when I needed it most. They accepted me with all my character defects. They helped me to stand up on my own and change the man I was. Patient, tolerant, kind, and loving, they helped me become the man I am today. I am so grateful for their help, and I wish to offer the same compassion to those who enter the rooms for the first time.