Earlier this month our local area intergroup held its annual one-day marathon, an all-day series of break-outs, speaker meetings and fellowship for our region. The theme of the Marathon was “Came to Believe.” There was powerful sharing by members on the role of faith, in helping to face overwhelming and sobriety-threatening circumstances and emerge with recovery. As an addict, I suffer from fear. One area where my disease can really get a foothold is in my fear of loneliness. The faith that I have learned in SA has helped me to stay sexually sober even as I struggle with dating.

Looking back, I see that because of sexual sobriety, I have learned a lot about dating. The main thing that I have learned is that sober dating is a process. It is clear to me that I am a romance and relationship addict, and that, in my disease, I want what I want when I want it. When, after I had been sexually sober for a number of years, it was suggested to me that it would be appropriate for me to try sober dating, I envisioned a whirlwind romance where I would get everything I wanted and fast.

When I came into SA, it was because I had, one more time, gotten involved with a man who was not really appropriate, and I had crossed over the line into physical intimacy. This pattern has led me to feel suicidal in the past. SA gave me a disciplined structural approach to relationships with men: no sex outside of marriage. In the beginning, I borrowed the faith that if I just stayed sexually sober, everything would work out.

Sober dating seemed strange to me when I first heard about it in SA. It seemed inconceivable to me that one could date, and then perhaps form a true partnership with another human being without having to act out sexually first. I never thought anyone would want to spend any time with me without having sex. I also began to recognize, with some time of sexual sobriety, that I did not know how to be in social situations with men. Just spending time with a man, especially as I got to know him better, without perceiving myself and him as sex objects was an alien concept to me. I did not know how to have an honest conversation about my feelings without involving sex.

I feel that the safe haven of Sexaholics Anonymous has allowed me to experience the full range of feelings about dating, and especially about myself, without having to act out sexually. It has required faith, though. I have had to have the faith and the willingness to do what was suggested to me by sober people in SA. It was suggested to me to do group events rather than go out with a guy alone. It was also suggested to me to take God with me as my partner to social events when I felt self-pity for not having a boyfriend.

I have had to learn that “No” is a complete sentence, especially when a man is not hearing that I am not interested in sex outside marriage. I have had to have faith that saying no, even when I am terribly afraid of losing that person’s affection and attention, will not kill me.

I still have fear of loneliness. But what I am learning to do, what I was taught from the very beginning in SA, is to pray for God’s will. I have begun to replace the fear and self-pity with a spirit of service and fellowship. I now really enjoy group events, and I have become an instigator of fun among my church and program friends. Today I share with women in the SA meetings about how to be joyful and giving in social situations as an antidote to the selfishness and possessiveness that characterizes my lust-relationship addiction.

I have faith today that I am enough and I can set dating relationship terms that promote self-esteem for me and, most likely, for my date. Self-esteem, I have learned, comes from estimable actions. We act our way to positive thinking. I am learning to take the actions of love in sober dating.