As a recovering sexaholic, I am constantly amazed at how my perception of the world continues to clear up as I accrue more recovery and sobriety. Just the fact that I have been able to draw a distinction between recovery and sobriety is a testament to the fact that my “fog” has begun to lift. This simple separation has been key for me, for as we have all seen, and maybe even experienced, mere sobriety is just not enough if we are to truly be “happy, joyous and free.” I thank God that I am not only sober, but that I also have some degree of recovery as well. True continuous communion with God is the solution for me. My communion with God is also my recovery. One day at a time.

It is an undisputed fact for me that physical sobriety is where it all starts. I had to get “off the drug” and I know now that there can be no real recovery for me without sobriety. But while sobriety is a requirement for my recovery, sobriety alone is not sufficient for my recovery. I have to have more, and this is what I call my “program.” My program of recovery includes as a necessity an ever lengthening period of sobriety. But it also includes many other ingredients that have combined to produce in me an ever deepening recovery as well. It is these other ingredients that I would like to share.

The most dramatic breakthrough for me occurred as a direct result of finally getting a sponsor, a sponsor who was steeped in God and the solution of the 12 Steps. The spiritual component here has been crucial for me. I came to the program as a result of being asked to leave my house by my wife once she had discovered my latest, and sickest affair. She soon filed for divorce, and the thought of losing her and my two girls moved me “by circumstance rather than by virtue” to come to SA. I had gone to a lot of meetings and had “shared” at each one. Most of my sharing consisted of me regurgitating the events of the past week or two (I usually made at least one meeting every week or two!) and spending a lot of time in my problem. “Whining and puking.” I noticed that this seemed to be the order of the day. You go to a meeting and, as honestly as possible, disclose what you had been thinking or doing or feeling or hoping, etc. during the past few days. Once you had “shared” you waited for the closing spiel and went home. Everyone pretty well left everyone else alone. I did not hear very much about how the 12 Steps or God were solving any of the suffering, but I sure heard about the suffering! And boy! Misery loves company! I did hear about sponsorship, but I did not see many raised hands when “those available to sponsor others” were asked to make themselves known. And frankly, I didn’t see anything I wanted from the “sober” men anyway. There seemed to be something missing, not the least of which was willingness on my part!

My reluctance to get a sponsor early on was tied to my notion that he might actually ask me to give up a few things (and people) that I was not yet ready to give up! I also clung to another excuse. I had met many individuals who had one or two years of sobriety, or more, and they did not have a sponsor. Surely if they could stay sober without a sponsor and, as was the case with most of these fellows, without the fellowship after the meetings and during the week, I could stay sober too! I failed to see that most, if not all of these individuals, had little real recovery. They were loners, isolated, yet sober. Well, I tried. Yet after many months of “half measures” (and few meetings), by the grace of God I was finally experiencing enough pain that I came to a meeting with the specific purpose of getting a sponsor. It was a turning point for me. I asked for a sponsor, and to my surprise, I got one! Uh oh! I followed my sponsor’s lead by going out after the meeting with a few other people. At once I noticed a difference in this group. I had been absent from this, my “home” meeting, for several months, and what I found upon my return truly amazed me.

People were laughing and joking and cajoling one another, all within the context of sobriety and recovery. Many of the guys I had met before who were loners or never went out after the meeting had slipped or had dropped out. Others whom I recognized from my “sharing” days who still remained were getting a lot of sobriety and what seemed to be a lot of information about God as the source of recovery through working the 12 Steps. I was immediately attracted to this kind of group. These fellows were seeing each other during meetings, after meetings and during the week. We met for lunch, or dinner, or just to talk. We called each other. We prayed together. All aspects of our lives were subject to God and the principles of the 12 Steps. Everyone had a sponsor and as we progressed in the Steps, we began sponsoring others. It was all tied to God through the solution of the 12 Steps.

I noticed a difference in the meetings as well. Instead of the “general participation” format, I began to go to the accompanying Step study meeting. It was here in the context of studying the Steps that I began to get more and more of the solution instead of hearing mostly about the problem. Meetings focused on the use of the Steps and God to combat the addiction. All the sharing now had a specific context. It was very powerful.

Now I could understand why the bonds of fellowship were so strong. We needed each other. We were united through our common problem and our application of and hunger for knowledge of God and the 12 Steps. We were forming what my sponsor called an “integrated society,” a safe haven for us all, hearkening back to old tribal societies. Rather than being dependent on each other, or independent of each other, we were becoming interdependent. There was a structure that allowed for weakness, learning and love. God was there.

As newcomers came to these meetings, we reached out to them right away. They were at once told about the need for a sponsor and a temporary one was found for them right away, if they requested it. We emphasized the spiritual aspects of the program. The fellowship grew, and continues to grow.

One of the most powerful actions I remember taking was writing out my First Step sexual inventory. Here was a concrete way to “work the Steps.” I will always remember the experience of sitting amongst 35 to 40 male and female sexaholics and giving away (actually sending away) my First Step. Afterwards, the outpouring of love was tremendous, as was the sobering realization in black and white of my powerlessness. The feeling of being connected was unmistakable. By working the Steps I had connected to my fellow sexaholics and to God. Here was the “true connection.” I did feel at home!

Meetings whose formats center on God and the Steps, use of the AA Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve as well as the White Book, a fellowship united by powerlessness and pursuit of God and the 12 Steps, a written First Step used to send away the right to practice the addiction—these ingredients have led me to daily sobriety and, most importantly, daily recovery. I see the importance of staying with the solution rather than the problem, and I strongly encourage my fellows in the program to “get back on track” when they stray, and they return the favor, whether I like it or not! Rather than “lust, negative attitudes and dependency relationships” making up the entire fabric of my life, now I have my friends in the program, the 12 Steps and, most importantly, a loving God who is always there.

My journey is not finished. My divorce is still pending and I see the need to surrender my relationship with my wife, actually the need to surrender all my life to God as the only possible hope for me. These new meetings and new friends help point me in the right direction. I thank God for them all and especially for the 12 Steps. Had I not been created a sexaholic, I do not think I would ever have come to know the need for God in my life that I now experience. It has been a “severe mercy” of sorts for me. I count myself fortunate to have found Him when I did. Thank you for letting me share.