Through the grace of God and the fellowship and Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous, I have experienced countless victories over lust. Also, I have not found it necessary to act out upon my sexual addiction since July 16, 1991. For this, I will probably never be truly grateful enough.

Lust has always been my drug of choice. Ever since I was eight years old and I began looking through adult magazines that my brothers would bring home, I was hooked. Mostly it was fantasy, masturbation, trying to “connect” with girls and women I met, pornography, and television/videos. I lusted and wanted to be lusted after. Later on, in college, alcohol and marijuana seemed to be great enhancers to my lust. I was much more determined to go “further” with a date when drunk. Therefore, there are a lot of shameful memories.

I bottomed out from alcohol and drugs in 1983 and joined AA. During the next eight “sober” years (many of them were only “dry”) from chemicals, my lust continued to grow and get stronger. “Flirting” (lusting) all day at work, I’d come home and put undue pressure on my wife for sex. She was as if an object, a “tool.” My advances continued over the years, and we grew apart.

Toward the end of my addiction, my nightly ritual was to feign a good mood (always scheming) and make some lustful suggestion to my wife. She would usually decline, and I would park myself in front of the “idiot box” and pout. “What’s wrong?” she would ask. “Are you mad at me?” (Ooh, that question again!) I would deny it (to protect my “stash” for future use) and tell her to go on to bed—that I wanted to zone for a while. I would then proceed to flip through all 60 cable channels we had—over and over again, looking for triggers. During the day, my little son would never even think about asking to play with me—Daddy was an isolated, distant, forgetful piece of furniture. (Like my Dad, and his Dad, and his Dad, etc.)

My last week in addiction included some of our loudest arguments. Both objects and harsh words flew in our house, and left three of us with a lot of tears. The pain got so bad that one day I told a therapist everything that I had been doing. I said how much this felt like alcohol did eight years ago—a real hell. Then I asked him if this could be an addiction, too—just like booze was—and he said, “Oh yes! Absolutely!” Thank God he did. The next night, on July 16, 1991, I was at my first SA meeting.

I felt so ready for sobriety. In fact, I cried many times that first week—but this time it was out of relief. The old-timers told me to make sure I really was ready—that wishy-washy starts in the program just don’t cut it. “If you’re not sure, go out and try some more pain,” they said. They asked me if I felt I had any options other than to stop completely, and I had to say no.

I hooked up with a sponsor immediately and his suggestion of calling daily was a big help. “Stick with the winners,” he said. It’s a good thing that he did say that, because I was not capable by myself of dealing with life on life’s terms. He also was my guide through the Twelve Steps.

Every Sunday morning, a group of four of us (two old, two new) would get together for breakfast and Step work. I was never motivated enough to take the time to understand the Steps until then, and it was a terrific way to learn. I was told to do Steps One through Eleven in an efficient, non-stop manner. After writing out each thoroughly, we would read them out loud on Sunday mornings. It was a beautiful and glorious way to learn how the Steps inter-work with each other. I was told that the Twelve Steps were a group of principles—spiritual guidelines by which to live. That once a person learns One through Eleven and begins practicing them, they will have a strong desire to share their story and to help others (Step Twelve). This is the very reason why I wrote this story. Today, my life is very different. I have been given self-confidence and a sense of purpose that I never dreamed possible. My productivity and attention span have improved dramatically both personally and professionally. In fact, I never could have handled the position I have now if I was still acting out. Most of all, though, I have a family.

My son actually wants to play with me—we spend a lot of time together and share many things. My wife and I are best friends. Things are a lot more pleasant around the house, and our relationship is more loving and giving than ever before.

I am truly blessed.

My sponsor taught me several important things I’d like to pass on to you:

1. Don’t act out, no matter what.
2. Always work the Steps.
3. Surrender your lust to God and to your sponsor frequently.
4. Go to meetings often.
5. Get involved with Service.
6. Call sober members—especially if you don’t want to.

Everywhere in the news lately we hear about sexual offenders and it seems like it’s all such a mystery to everyone. There are so many people in the world who are suffering from this malady and they don’t even know what’s wrong. We have the ability to help. God has blessed us with these Twelve (perfect!) Steps, and if we work them, he will use us as he sees fit—in his own time, in his own way.

My friend, stay in contact with sober members. Call them, write them, visit them—do whatever it takes to stay sober. I promise you, the rewards are incredible! God bless.