[…]that where there are shadows, I may bring light—that where there is sadness, I may bring joy (12&12 99).

Like most children, I was fascinated by my shadow. I loved to see how it was connected to my feet, how it moved with my motions, how it came and went with the sunshine. After a time, however, my shadow became just another part of me, moving through the day. I lost my awareness of its place in my life.

My lust shadow followed a similar course. When I was four or five years old, I was fascinated by the feelings and sensations of lust. When I was ten, lust moved into place as my constant “friend” to whom I would turn for comfort. Over the next thirty years, though I would have said otherwise, I lost the ability to tell whether my lust shadow or my healthier self was leading my life.

Coming into Sexaholics Anonymous opened a door to freedom. At my first meeting I heard others talk about their addiction to masturbation. I identified immediately, for I knew with three decades of certainty that I could not stop. For the first time, I also realized that I was indeed getting drunk on lust. That explained why I did things I did not want to do, over and over again.

God, through SA, changed the spiritual darkness to light as I surrendered my disease. God, through SA, allowed me to experience the deep sadness of my sexaholism and the consequences of my acting out. While I still have days when mental clouds block God out, I have more days when joy and lightness lead the way—for which I can never be sufficiently grateful.

Thank you, God, for each sober day and for the opportunity to share your light and joy with others who suffer from this disease.