My sobriety date is January 1, 1991. The longer I am sober, the more I need a meeting because I am close to a relapse. Why, you may ask? Well, there are a lot of new people, but not a lot of people with long-term recovery. That tells me that I am closer than ever to relapse. What I have been doing has been working for me, so I keep doing it.

It all boils down to love and service. When I got here I didn’t have a clue what love is. I had love confused with lust and sex. I was selfish, self-centered, and egotistical. I’m still all those things; I just don’t act on them as much as I used to.

Today I understand that love is the desire to do good for another. This definition allows me to love my enemy. This relieves me of resentment and anger. Resentment is a poison I drink hoping the other guy will die.

My cue for sponsorship comes from the Third Step prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee . . . to do with me as Thou wilt. . .” If God puts someone in my path, then I need to look for ways to be of service. I need to do for him what was done for me. Sponsorship is a big part of my life. It is a lot of work and I love it! I don’t always like my sponsees, but these have probably blessed me more than the ones I like. If you want to have a great experience, sponsor someone you don’t like.

Following are some principles I have learned from my experience as a sponsor.

1. Men sponsor men; women sponsor women.
2. A sponsor needs to be a year sober. Like all rules, that may need to be modified for new groups where no one is sober. In the early days of AA, it was one drunk days dry sponsoring another drunk hours dry.
3. Work with one sponsee at a time. Over time I have sponsored seventy guys. One Step a week works for me, but how long does it take for some guys to get it? After a while I discovered that I could not get to everyone by my preferred method. A great way to do it is for a bunch of people to start working the Steps together. They can talk to each other and thrash things out. They really bond during the process.
4. Never argue. People like to argue. Don’t. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. You have the literature; you have your experience; let them win. “You win. You’re right. I’ve presented the program and in every instance you have carefully explained to me why it won’t work for you. OK, you win. You get your life back exactly as it is now. You don’t have to change a thing.” Maybe “right” isn’t what he wants. Maybe he will want to reconsider.
5. Remember that newcomers are like babies. Don’t be surprised to encounter selfish, self-centered, egomaniacs with inferiority complexes.
6. You are not your sponsee’s friend. That might develop, but in the meantime, a sponsor’s job is not to be a friend. It really doesn’t matter if he likes you. Sponsoring someone you don’t like is an adventure in living.
7. Give him the best that you have. Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.
8. Never work harder than the sponsee. You cannot do it for him. You cannot make him understand. All you can do is lay it out and let him do the work. Enablers kill addicts. Be true, give it your best shot, and leave the outcome in God’s hands.
9. Your basic texts are the AA Big Book, AA 12 & 12, and SA White Book. The best, simplest, easiest way to use them is line by line, answering every question. Cover what is in the literature first.
10. Write in the books. Every note, every story, everything I have learned goes into the margins of the book. When I forget, I can find an apt illustration. These become modern-day parables. Sponsees relate to real life experience.

Helping someone, seeing him apply new principles to his life, watching the ripple effect as it spreads to his marriage and his family—it is a privilege to be allowed to watch. It isn’t me; it’s the hand of God at work. He is in charge of healing and He does it in His time. It takes patience, kindness, compassion, understanding, courage, and faith. The rewards of sponsorship are spelled out in the AA 12 & 12, p. 110:

“Practically every A.A. member declares that no satisfaction has been deeper and no joy greater than in a Twelfth Step job well done. To watch the eyes of men and women open with wonder as they move from darkness into light, to see their lives quickly fill with new purpose and meaning, to see whole families reassembled, to see the alcoholic outcast received back into his community in full citizenship, and above all to watch these people awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives—these things are the substance of what we receive as we carry A.A.’s message to the next alcoholic.”