SA/S-Anon Australian Conference, September 26-28, 2008

My name is Jo; I’m a recovering sexaholic in New Zealand. I have been sexually sober by the grace of God since April 7, 2007.

I recently attended the 17th Annual SA/S-Anon Australian Conference in Melbourne. This was my first-ever SA conference and I want to share my experience with others.

Initially, I didn’t want to go at all. I had listened to the speaker CDs from last year’s conference, and enjoyed them very much. My sponsor suggested that I attend the 2008 Conference in person. I didn’t see why I needed to go all the way to Australia—I thought I could just obtain the speaker CDs again and that would be good enough.

But she strongly suggested that I go, so I came up with my next objection, which was legitimate: lack of funds. The round trip would cost about $1,000 and I didn’t have that sort of money. I’d recently taken on a new role which paid much less. I had done so to reduce my business travel and ultimately protect my sobriety.

She still strongly suggested that I go. So I applied for financial assistance. I was surprised to subsequently be awarded the funds to cover registration costs, and thus I had only the airfare to find. Most of that was taken care of by frequent flyer miles, so now, as there were no objections remaining, I committed to attending. I was due to leave New Zealand on Friday afternoon and arrive at Melbourne Airport that evening, to be picked up by a member and driven to the venue.

As late as the Wednesday before the convention, I told my Sobriety Renewal Group I was not going. I had apprehension in buckets. There would be hardly any other women. I would have to see Member X, and I find him triggering. I would have to share a room, and that would be triggering. I would have to meet the (male) members of my Sobriety Renewal Group and I didn’t want to. I was enjoying the anonymity of listening to their check-ins by telephone each evening without knowing what they looked like.

But I prayed, and I surrendered, and I went to the airport and got on the plane. It really came down to Step 11: “. . .praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out” (“God—what You say goes”). Despite my reluctance, I sincerely believed I was meant to attend the Conference.

As arranged, I was collected at Melbourne Airport by a female member with whom I had previously enjoyed fellowship in that city. Since leaving Australia and returning to New Zealand seven months earlier, I had been an SA loner. There is no group on the island where I live, and in fact, there are no other recovering female SAs in the whole country!

My friend and I enjoyed a good catch up in the car. I was saddened to hear of the suicide of one of our SA members in Australia. This focused me on gratitude, on the “Just For Today” tool, and on the need to stay close to program, to fellowship, and to God.

As we approached the venue, we both had reservations and concerns, so, leading with our weaknesses, we started to share them out loud in the car, one at a time and one after the other (“I’m nervous about…”). It really helped me. The venue turned out to be a secluded hostel in the middle of bush land where we awoke to bird song and beautiful weather.

It was an incredible weekend. The schedule was structured around meetings; each meeting focused on one or more of the Twelve Steps or on a selected recovery-related topic (and included a spiritual concept meeting). Three members would get up and share their experience, strength, and hope and then other members would be invited to share at the microphone. All meetings were recorded, in the spirit of the Twelfth Step.

Members were at different stages of recovery, from a few days sober to old-timers. There were about 30 of us total, from across Australia and New Zealand. And yes, they were nearly all male (three female SA members, plus the female S-Anons) but almost without exception, I found the male SA members to be welcoming, appropriate, and boundaried. I was very grateful for that. It helped me keep to my own program and learn new relating skills. I am very poor in that area. Before SA, and even into SA recovery, lust had characterized every interaction I had with the world at large. Now I understood what my sponsor had meant when she said I would learn how to make real connections at a conference.

At times I felt overwhelmed and went to my room for a nap or some quiet time and conscious contact. Turns out that I was allocated a single room! So grateful. At mealtimes, I would try to ensure that I sat with another female at the table, either SA or S-Anon. I would keep personal information about myself to a minimum. It felt very odd not to be “carrying on” like I always used to. I remembered all those weekends away in the countryside for work, team-building and the like, where I made myself the center of attention, flirted, lusted, and acted out. This was very different.

Saturday evening was a “Variety Night” where members entertained us with piano recitals, singing, guitar playing, a comedy routine, and some Native American dancing. I had not planned to attend, thinking it would be weird and creepy to socialize with SAs, but I could not have been more wrong. I laughed a lot. I was very moved by the obvious talent that some members possess. I thought about how long it might have been hidden away behind lust and sexual acting out.

A highlight for me was attending the mixed SA/S-Anon meetings (there were two of them). I had not given much thought before to our sister fellowship or its members. But suddenly, hearing the stories of the women and men whose lives had also been affected by sexaholism was very poignant. I was left filled with respect and admiration for those who journey alongside us SAs in that program. My own marriage did not survive the disease, but it was good to see that other marriages had. I also had the opportunity to take afternoon tea with a female S-Anon member and to hear more of her personal story. Again, I was learning how to make real connections.

When Sunday afternoon came, and with it the close of the Conference, I was quite sad to be saying goodbye. I felt I had begun to relax a little and would have liked the Conference to continue. But I got to have more tea that afternoon with an SA and another S-Anon, this time in their home, and it was a really lovely experience.

So many people said as they were driving away: “See you in Canberra in March!” (when the next Australian Conference takes place). And you know what—I might just be there. At least, I’ve started to save….

In fellowship,