I’m Dave, a happy recovering sexaholic, sober since November 23, 1990. Today, because of SA, I have a better life than I could ever have imagined. But my life hasn’t always been so happy.

When I was born, I had two brothers. They were five and six years older than I was, and they were called “the Boys.” My parents then had a stillborn daughter. After that my mother was pregnant with me. They wanted a girl, however, so for all of my growing up years, we were “the Boys” and David. My parents did the very best job they could, but they had their own struggles. I learned after my mother died that she had been molested by her brother. I also learned of other strange things that happened in my family of origin; things they couldn’t talk about. I felt alone, unworthy, and afraid.

I was a sickly kid. Every time we wanted to go on vacation, we couldn’t go because I was sick. I had heart trouble. I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t do that. I felt alone. Then an adult neighbor spent some time with me. He did some things to me that hurt and were scary—but at least he paid attention to me, so I didn’t complain. I did not know that eight-year-old boys cannot give permission to participate in these activities.

Besides my adult neighbor, one of my older brothers molested me. By the time I was 12, I was masturbating every day. I masturbated to all sorts of fantasies. There wasn’t an animal around that was safe.

I didn’t date much in high school because I was a good religious boy. Good religious boys got married, so I was wife-shopping rather than dating—but all of my fantasies were about men.

When I got my driver’s license, I drove back to my abuser to act out with him. I also drove to public places to have anonymous sex with men. I believed that all of this acting out would stop when I got married, so I got married. Marriage did not stop me from acting out however; I only got worse. I had a secret life going on that kept me from developing a close relationship with my wife.

My wife and I had one child and wanted another, but she was having trouble getting pregnant. The doctor told us to have sex only on certain days so that the sperm count would go up. But I couldn’t wait that many days. I would masturbate and cry while I was masturbating because I couldn’t wait to let the sperm count go up. Still, we eventually had three children. I’m very proud of those children today but at the time, I wasn’t there for them. I was emotionally vacant.

My wife and I grew so far apart that she asked for a divorce. I thought, “I can’t live alone.” But then I thought, “Great! Now I can do everything I want.” Except that my church and family upbringing would not let me do what I wanted to do.

Over time, my acting out progressed. I would act out up to the edge of one of my boundaries, then I’d think, “I’ll cross that boundary but I won’t cross any others.” Then I’d repeat that thinking and cross another boundary. I was crossing all kinds of boundaries until finally, about 20 years ago, when I came to the end of my rope. I had a job, a church family, a car with air conditioning, and money in the bank … but I was miserable because I felt so powerless over my acting out. I thought I would never be able to overcome my obsessions and that my life would never get any better.

I contemplated suicide, but I couldn’t figure out how to kill myself, so I went to a counselor and spilled my guts for the first time. He gave me a non-program book on sexual addiction. To my surprise, that book talked about me! I learned that I wasn’t the only one doing what I was doing; I wasn’t alone! In all the trashy materials I’d read before, people who did these things seemed to be having fun. But I was not having fun. Now I learned that other people also were not having fun.

The book talked about Twelve Step meetings. I told my counselor that I needed to find one of those meetings. I found Sexaholics Anonymous in the phone book and went to my first meeting on November 23, 1990.

Before I went to that meeting, I was nervous and had to act out, but when I arrived that Friday night, I knew that I was home. When I heard the members talk, I knew what they were talking about. They were just like me!

One woman there shared that she had five years of sobriety and a man had four years—but they were both married, so I thought the program might not work for me. But then there was a young, single man who had six weeks of sobriety. Six weeks with no sex with himself or anybody else? Wow! That was awesome.

The next meeting was early the next morning, on Saturday. It was 110 miles away. As I drove back home Saturday night, I didn’t have to act out at 80 mph on the turnpike. I didn’t have to stop at a rest area. I didn’t have to act out to go to sleep. I didn’t have to act out in the shower the next morning. I got to the meeting and I was sober! Not because I had a sponsor or was working the Steps. Just because there was a program that talked about me. I had hope. There was a solution!

The next meeting was on a Tuesday. I had to stay in a hotel Monday night for work. I didn’t have to go out to my car 16 times to get one shoe, and then a shoelace, and then the other shoe, all the time looking around to see if I could get lucky. I made it to that meeting sober, and I have been sober ever since—only because there is a program for me. There are people who talk to me, who are like me.

I got a sponsor, worked the Steps, and did service work, and little by little—just by doing the next right thing as it came along, then the next right thing, and so on—all of a sudden, I had one year of sobriety! It took 30,000 miles on my car, and $180 in turnpike tolls, but I had a year of sobriety. I get a discount on my turnpike pass because I use it so much to go to meetings.

All of my life I worked in education. I told a lot of stories to kids as part of my job. Early in recovery, I was working as a consultant to libraries, when suddenly I was downsized. I was out of a job! But what seemed to be the worst thing in my life became one of the very best: I became a professional storyteller working in schools and libraries.

God led me to tell stories with strings—that loop of string used for making “Cat’s Cradle,” “Cup and Saucer,” or “Jacob’s Ladder.” The games are good “brain gym” activities, are good for memory and coordination, and they enhance storytelling. I discovered early on that kids enjoy learning these games. I now work telling stories with strings full time.

When I lost the librarian job, I think God was saying, “Dave, I can finally use you now.” He said, “You’re not too smart—it takes a lot to teach you. You know I can’t make you a preacher or a teacher or a great theologian or anything like that.” But, He said, “I’ll give you a piece of string.” So He gave me the string as a gift.

When I turned my life over to the care of God as I understood God, He didn’t tie me up like a puppet. He said, “Grab hold of Me and I will lead you. I will give you a sponsor to lead you. I will give you meeting mates to lead you.” He doesn’t tie me up like a puppet, He just leads me down the road, when I do the next right thing. I’m having more fun in sobriety than I ever had before. I get to travel all over the world with my string. Just a dumb piece of string!

I found that anyone in any culture can make the string figures, and telling stories with strings improves communication between cultures. Last year I was in Ghana, West Africa, in a refugee camp. I took 3,000 strings for these people who were sitting there with nothing to do. Now they’ve got a piece of string.

I got to go to the edge of the Kalahari Desert to little tiny villages with a piece of string. And Alaskan villages—the kind of villages where you fly in on a single engine plane and land in the mud, and you sleep in the school. In the past, if I’d been sleeping in a school and had the whole school to myself all night, I would have been acting out all night. I don’t have to do that today in recovery. I can go to sleep, get up in the morning, and be ready to face people with a clear conscience. Life is so good! Just doing the next right thing.

My life is a miracle today. I have a job. It’s a weird job, but I have a job. I have a car with air conditioning, I have a bank account, and I have a church family. I think it can’t get any better than this—but it keeps getting better and better, beyond my wildest dreams.

In the past I would sometimes say, “You know God, we’ve got three choices here and I want this one right here.” And He’d ask, “Are you sure, Dave?” “Yes! I want this one.” “Are you positive?” “Yes!” “Okay.” And He gave me that choice. But one day I finally woke up and said, “Okay God, just for today, or maybe just for this hour, I will turn my will and my life over to the care of You as I understand You.” And He said, “I’m so glad you did that! You know that time when you gave Me three choices? I had 672 choices for you, and you picked the bottom three!”

Today, He’s giving me the top of my list, things that I could never have imagined on my own.

I went to Mongolia and visited the two AA meetings that are held there. They opened the meetings so that I could give my SA story. My translator, a college student, had no trouble translating The Problem, but he had a little trouble translating The Solution. We had to get the translator for the AA meeting to translate The Solution to these people. As they listened, they sat there nodding, saying, “Uh huh, uh huh.” Our brochure is now translated into Mongolian with The Problem.

My Higher Power is so big, He goes wherever I go. I’m not alone anywhere. I can go to places like Bangkok and stay there and be sober. It’s not by any power of mine. I’m not sure how it all works. All I know is that I go to meetings: I attend three or four meetings a week. I do service work: I serve as an SA Trustee and also serve on three SA committees. I go to Regional Retreats and International Conventions. I have a sponsor. Sometimes I’ll share something I’m going through with him and he’ll say, “I’ve been working on that too.” Or he’ll say, “My sponsor told me…” My sponsor has a sponsor! Wow! I also sponsor other people. Another thing that has helped me is listening to SA tapes and old AA tapes. Those irascible AA men—they helped me stay sober as I listened to them on the way to meetings and back.

We haven’t had any meetings here in my home town for awhile, but a new one started up just recently. Four people attended our first meeting. It was a God thing. On the Sunday before that meeting started, three of us were driving to a meeting in another city—more than an hour away—and we decided to start a meeting in our own town the following Wednesday.

On Wednesday morning, I got a call from someone who wanted to know whether we had meetings in the area. My Higher Power says, “If you offer the meetings, they will come.” I don’t know why the meetings in the past didn’t work out. I’m sober, so I know they worked for me. But the lack of local meetings got me driving to other cities for meetings, and those meetings have been a huge blessing.

There’s a lot I don’t understand. All I know is that I go to meetings, I work the Steps, I call my sponsor, I read the literature, I do the next right thing—and all of a sudden I’m in Lithuania working with Chechnyan refugees, or somewhere else, fulfilling that top wish—and not the bottom three.

Today, I still have trouble turning things over at times. Sometimes I’m thrown into a situation and my life is turned upside down. When that happens, I reach inside myself for the courage to reach outside of myself for help. Then I go in a new direction and I’m free. I know things don’t work for everybody the same way every time. But that is what works for me.

Last month I celebrated 20 years of SA sobriety. I am extremely grateful for my sobriety and especially for my SA family. Jess L. used to say, when he spoke, “You guys came out just for me. I know it’s all a fake. You are all well but you’re there just to support me and be here for me.” Well I need a great big hedge around me, protecting me. Thank you, SA fellowship, for being here for me.

God Bless!