I’m Robert, a grateful sexaholic. By the grace of God and the miracle of the SA program of recovery, I have not had to act out since October 10, 2010. I recently celebrated my second SA birthday, as well as the removal of my ankle bracelet. After three and a half years in prison and four years on parole, I am again a free man. But today, knowing that I’m a sexaholic is probably the most important fact of my life.

I had a crazy childhood. In the 60s, when I was five, my mom got involved in a religious cult. We lived together in a compound in the mountains in Northern California. The cult leader gathered drug addicts from our area and tried to “save” them with her religious philosophies. The members worked 12-hour days, then attended cult meetings at night that lasted for hours. Constant scrutiny by the elders and a poor diet added to the stress. At night there would be yelling and screaming and “casting out of demons.” Often a member would be called out to stand in front of the cult leader to be judged. Everyone would turn on that person and reveal any signs of rebellion they had witnessed. After observing this practice, I became terrified of telling my secrets to anyone. This fear kept me sick for a very long time.

As a youngster, I was involved in childhood sex play with other children from the group. I found this sexual activity to be fun and exciting, but I also felt that it was a bit “dirty” and had to be kept secret. One day the secret came out: the cult leader’s youngest daughter told her I’d been “playing dirty” with her. I was told that without the cult’s intervention, I would turn into a sex pervert. I was ten at the time.

When I turned 12, I discovered masturbation, which became a new ritual and an even bigger secret. Guilt and shame began to bother me, and sometime before my 13th birthday, I swore off masturbation forever. I knew early on that my habit was a problem and was hurting me, but I could not stop. Around the same time, I began a pattern of peeking in windows, which continued for the next 30 years.

When I was 14, I escaped from the cult and moved to San Diego to live with my dad and stepmom. Both of them were alcoholics. My father would come home and drink himself to sleep every night. My stepmom would try to pick fights with him, and sometimes he would beat her. I tried to stay out of their way.

When I was 16, I got my first car and I would drive around in public masturbating. Then I began exposing myself to women. I continued that behavior until I was 43. I exposed myself to women of all ages, from as young as five or six up to just about any age. I estimate that I’ve exposed myself maybe 600 times throughout my life. I never really wanted to do those things, but I could not help myself. Once I got the compulsion, I could not stop. I would pray “Please God, make this go away,” but I could not stop.

When I was 26, I was arrested for indecent exposure. I was sentenced to a couple of hundred hours of community service, which didn’t seem like a big deal to me. My fiancée, with whom I was living at the time, never knew anything about it. I went through the process of getting arrested, doing community service, and seeing a counselor—and still, she had no clue! I don’t remember how I explained where I was, but by then I had become very good at lying to cover my absences.

One year later we got married. The marriage lasted for six years. By the time we were divorced, I was in a lot of pain over my acting out. For the first time in my life, I had started seeing a counselor on a regular basis. We met every week for six years. He kept asking me why I came, and I would say that I was having relationship or career problems. I was really there because of my sex problem—but I never told him that! Every week I would tell myself, “This is the week I will tell him,” but every week I could not do it. I thought I would die if he knew how I was acting out.

When I was 34, I went back to school to get a bachelor’s degree and then a master’s degree in psychology. Then I spent three more years in a doctoral program. I’m a dissertation short of a doctorate in clinical psychology. I thought that maybe if I studied and understood and dealt with all of my underlying issues, then somehow I would have the power to stop acting out. But all of that self-knowledge did not fix me, and I continued to act out.

After finishing my schooling, I began working as a therapist. Four years later I reached a point where I found that—as the Big Book says—I could not give away what I did not have. I could not connect with my clients at the level they needed for healing because of the huge, shameful secret in my life. Over the next couple of years I became very depressed and finally quit practicing as a therapist. I could not get off the couch and was suicidal at times.

Then one day God intervened. I was arrested again, for burglary as well as for indecent exposure. This time they took my crime more seriously: I was sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison and four years of parole. I had to get help. As the White Book says, “We had been arrested—stopped in our tracks, but we had done it to ourselves” (SA 83). During the seven-month period when I was out on bail, I finally knew I had to tell someone my secret.

My life became a blur: my wife left me and filed for divorce; we sold our house and a mutual business; the licensing board revoked my rights to practice; and my lawyer explained the cold hard facts of my imminent imprisonment. Looking for help, I found a new therapist. This time I was finally able to be honest. More important, I did some research on the Internet and found SA.

I went to my first SA meeting in September 2007. Before I was sentenced, I was able to attend a few meetings, but I didn’t get a sponsor or read the White Book. I just went to meetings and listened. Then I had to do my time.

Because my felony crime was burglary, I was placed with the prison’s general population rather than in protective custody, where sex offenders are usually placed. For a sex offender in that location, prison can be a scary place. I was terrified that if other prisoners knew of my sex crime, I would be stabbed to death.

I went to AA meetings, but I did not continue my SA program—I did not bring a White Book and I did not share with anybody. But I brought my Big Book and stayed sober for up to six months at a time, because for the first time in my life I was serious about stopping. I knew I had to change.

As soon as I was released from prison, I came back to the rooms of SA, because I did not want to return to the nightmare of acting out, telling lies, or going back to prison. Unfortunately, I brought myself back with me. That first year back in SA was tough. I was angry and suspicious. I fired my sponsor after four months because he tried to tell me what to do! Then I told myself, “I’ve been locked up for four years, I deserve to have sex with someone just once!” So I found an old girlfriend who was willing to act out with me. But that did not feel comfortable for me. That’s when I came to the conclusion that I needed to accept SA’s sobriety definition of no sex outside of marriage.

I got sober again and stayed sober for about six months. But my heart was still not entirely in the program. I started to pick and choose which parts of the program worked for me. I thought that because of my “great educational knowledge” I could decide which parts of the program were valid and which were not. I wasn’t ready to surrender. Lust took over, and I went back to acting out.

Fortunately, God intervened once more. About two weeks later, I was meeting my parole officer when a detective showed up at the parole office. He asked about a crime I had committed ten years before. I was terrified—I thought they would send me back to prison for a very long time. So I fled to Mexico.

After about three months, my brother informed me that he had spoken with an attorney and learned that my crime was beyond the statute of limitations, and I could not be prosecuted! So I made arrangements to turn myself in at the border.

I was arrested at the border and sentenced to nine months in prison for violating my parole. When I was released in October 2010, I finally surrendered. I asked myself, “Robert, are you going to do this sobriety thing or not?” I decided, “Yes, I will do this.” This time, I truly had the desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.

Back in SA, I started listening to what the program recommends. I learned that I needed to be willing to take direction. I also learned the most important, miraculous information about my condition: I have an incurable disease. I’m a sexaholic, and—like others who have incurable diseases—I’ll have to treat this condition for the rest of my life. I also learned the solution: if I go to meetings and work the SA program, I can stay sober for the rest of my life, one day at a time. Today I accept that is what I need to do to recover.

I set out to attend at least 90 meetings in 90 days. I attended a meeting every morning and almost every night. In fact, I went to at least 13 meetings a week for almost a year! Most SA members in my area know me now because they could not go to a meeting without seeing me. I knew I needed to work the program with everything I had.

I got a sponsor and made a decision to listen to him instead of telling him what I know. I resolved to follow his directions, whether I agreed with him or not. He’s still my sponsor today, and if he tells me to do something, I don’t ask him why. I just do what he says to the best of my ability. That has made a huge difference in my recovery. Each week we meet together and he guides me through the Step work I have completed that week. So far, we’ve worked through the first eleven Steps together. Working the Steps has made a radical change in how I think and live my life today.

Self-care is a key to my recovery. Only when I take care of myself can I help others. Each morning, I read program literature as soon as I get up. Then I pray and meditate, asking God to provide the power and willingness I need that day to stay sober. I ask Him to help me to be useful to others and to keep my ego out of the way.

After that, my phone starts to ring. First, my sobriety renewal partner calls. That renewal call has become important to me; it helps me remember who I am today, where I’ve been for the last 24 hours with lust, and what I need to do today to stay sober. Then I usually get a call from a sponsee or two. Those calls help me get out of myself. They give me a chance to listen to others and try to help—and giving something back helps me stay sober.

Today I’m filled with gratitude that I came to these rooms and found the solution. I still attend four to eight meetings a week because they truly help. When I first came to SA, all I really wanted was to stop acting out, especially in those deviant sorts of ways. However, SA has given me more than I ever imagined. Most of all, it has given me a God I can believe in, and Who has begun to restore me to sanity. The program has given me a sober life and meaningful friendships based on shared spiritual values. For someone like me who grew up in a cult, that’s a miracle!

SA has taught me that God’s will is best. I believe that God loves me, and I believe that He wants me to feel His love and be happy. My responsibility is to do my part in that relationship, and that is really very simple. I need only to surrender to Him daily and seek Him in every circumstance of my life.

The real changes in my life are in my interactions with others. One of the greatest blessings for me is the ability to apply the Tenth Step to relationships. I make mistakes, but I know how to make things right. I can make amends and take the actions to correct my wrongs. That’s where the program gets real for me. Today I no longer have to live with guilt and shame. Today I don’t hate myself. I can love myself and be a friend to people and help them.

The circumstances of my life are slowly improving. I once had a career and I lost it. But today I have the opportunity to build a new life, a life built on sobriety, on my relationship with God, and on the relationships I’ve developed in SA meetings. These things cannot be taken away from me.

When I was acting out, I knew that my life was built on sand. I remember seeing a prison bus going by one day and thinking, “It’s only a matter of time until I’ll be on one of those.” And I was right—it happened. But today, because of SA, my life doesn’t have to be the way it was before. I have hope today, and hope is the miracle of this program. The SA program really does work. Today I can live a useful life following God’s will.

As a kid, I thought that doing God’s will would take the fun out of life. But through SA, I’ve learned that doing God’s will is more about loving myself and others, and doing what’s right. I’ve learned that God’s will works best for everyone. I’ve learned these things by going to meetings, working the Steps, working with others, and working with my sponsor. This has all been a miracle.

I know that God has given me this miracle because He loves me and I’m His child. But I don’t know why I’ve been so privileged to enjoy this. What are the odds of a sex offender like me ever making it into SA and actually staying sober? Why has God blessed me this way? There must have been thousands of other sex offenders in this county through the years who have never found SA. But for some reason, God intervened and brought me to SA. He enabled me to see my need. And because of that miracle, I am here today, alive, sober, and free.

I am very grateful to be here today, and to be able to share my gratitude with all of you.